Monday, December 27, 2004

So Some Plastic Flowers, A Jesus Hand and Some Stale Halloween Candy walk Into A Bar......

Now, I am not one for dissin anyone getting me a present...However, Satan and I have had some rather strange and unusual gifts given to us this month.

Lets see it all started with a birthday present from my mother in law. Now I love my mother in law she is a very sweet lady who I am thankful to have as a mother in law. However, Satan and I both think she is slowly losing it...So I get this package show up in the mail a couple of days before my birthday, and from the wrapping, it looks like a huge toblerone bar, so of course, I am thinking I have scored, as this is one of Satan's fave candys and I have gotten one for birthday. Well, upon opening said pressie, inside is 3 plastic flowers. How odd. As I am not your plastic flowers type o' girl and nor have I ever said ya know, I've been thinking of getting plastic flowers. Now if you could see these flowers, you would understand my thoughts behind this, they are just odd. Satan was even perplexed by the whole thing. And usually he can uncode a present if one is need of decoding.

Next....Another pressie from England shows up, this time, it is for Satan....For Christmas......It is a Jesus hand (giving the Jesus finger sign) with a hole in the middle of the Jesus palm for incense stick to be put in.......uh yeah, you guessed it, it came from his mum again.......Satan's reasoning behind it, is that maybe his mum didn't know what it was, as the finger thing is more Catholic?? Ok, that's really reaching....So what Christians don't do the Jesus finger thing (and no, my mother in law isn't Christian)? No Satan says, they do the baby Jesus and then Jesus on the Cross...They kinda miss the inbetween bits...But Catholics do the Jesus finger thing, and the Jesus big arm pose in the Da Vinci painting at the last supper. Ok....Do ya like religion according to Satan???

Ok, lets move on to present number 3, and this my friends is classic. It comes from my oldest sister (no, not Mangey)....I got a box o' stuff...Inside is a picture of my mum as a little girl in a really nice frame which I was happy to get, further inspection of box includes two tree ornaments, and then it starts getting odd, a box of shortbread (could be a second hand gift), and then in the bottom of box is stale Halloween candy from my nephew's Halloween reject candy pile. Yes, it was stale. I tried one of the cigar bubble gums first, and after nearly breaking off my front teeth trying to bite into it I realized that the rest of the loot was also stale.

Needless to say, my plastic flowers are displayed in my office in a vase, Satan's Jesus hand is sitting on our shelf nicely next to the grim reaper door knocker we got from his brother, but sadly my stale Halloween candy made it into the garbage bin where it will meet up with its friends the stale fruit cake and the rotting turkey carcass at the local garbage dump.............


13 comments:

Killy said...

i love the eddie izzard "big arms" reference! that's one of my favorite of his bits :)

vampyregirl said...

yes, viva la eddie Izzard!!! I got Satan the other 3 dvd's of his for winter solstice prezzies!!

Jay said...

Ahh,

AT least you got somethin’ real.

I asked my dad for a BMW Z4 for Christmas, but instead, I got a miniature BMW. What you gonna call it? A gift from Santa Satan from south pole?

bunny said...

Wow. You're not lying! Those are some bizarre gifts. Hope your solstice was fun nonetheless...and what is up with EB?

SJ said...

Perhaps your mother in law has found the annoying "home party" circuit in England--where people come to your house to order vile things such as plastic flowers and Jesus memorabilia. As for the stale candy, I'm at a loss.

Garrison Steelle said...

It's the plastic flowers that intrigues me. Even from here I can tell you're not the plastic flowers type of girl. That's ... very interesting.

;)

-G

Ms Bees Knees said...

This year, my sister bought me a Wonder Woman electric toothbrush. Hahaha. Sounds like both our sisters have quite the peculiar sense of humor...

mangey cur said...

Har! Dude...the title of this blog alone is priceless. Damned funny stuff. You didn't tell me about the Jesus hand. Maybe it's the mum in laws way of telling you you have enough skulls and mayhem in your homestead? Hmm...

Pisser said...

I am not sure about the Jesus hand thing. Is it like the English Flippin-the-Bird thing, but backwards? Like a peace sign (which is now known as the Verizon sign? ;)

To go with your inedible candy, my mom sends candy/cookies which are smoked, meaning she has been making like a damn chimney in the kitchen again. A skull and crossbones comes out of all the boxes she sends w/ the customary smoke cloud. Maybe Satan would enjoy these "gifts" - maybe he'd even want to huff them...!

Yes, I do like Religion According to Satan. Where do I sign up...?

vampyregirl said...

yes pisser, you have the hand signal down!!! I will let you know when the next religion according to Satan meeting is....

Pisser said...

Great! I'll bring the beans :)

Heinz or Batchelors...?

Sara said...

Maybe your sister figured you could use the stale candy as a weapon...or maybe it's suppose to go along with the fake flowers, you know the candy looks edible...but oh, don't try to eat it! It's just suppose to sit in a little dish looking cute for eternity, next year just ask for wax fruit.

Oh and the Eddie Izzard mention was fantabulous.
-Wickkett-

Killy said...

ya know, all the mention of hand gestures reminded me that yesterday at the natural history museum in d.c., i swore that the cave man in one of the diaramas was making the "metal sign". i hope he was. that would rule.