Friday, January 28, 2005

Next Position Please......

Many of you may have had a brazilian, or may get them now. That is up to you, more power to you, however, being that I am doing my esthetics course, part of it is learning to wax. And in my last post I told you all I hate waxing. It is just gross. Pulling someones bodily hair off in big chunks of wax makes me want to vomit. But it is something I need to learn how to do if I am ever to pass my state board test. Thankfully all I have to do is wax one eye brow and tweeze the other brow to pass the test.

When I was explaining to Mangey the other night how disgusting "old wax" was I then proceeded to tell her what I would have to do if I gave someone a brazillian. So here it is for all of you in the blog world, this is what we at school have been taught on giving one a brazillian. Which I will not do, cannot make me do this, as it is not on the state board exam, just not going there.....ok so here it is:

Client is nekked from the waste down, (unless they request a "privacy wrap" what the fuck are you in here getting a brazillian for if ya want a fuckin privacy wrap??)
Then, the waxer gives them a moist towelette to wipe down their bits and pieces. (ok, already grossed out by someone having to wipe in front of me....eeeeewwwww, no cling-ons please!!!) However, I have heard of some waxers wiping these bits for client...(getting puke bag out) Next they are to lay back on the wax table and hold one leg up to their chest, while you spread the wax in all the nooks and crannys.....(ok I would be starting the dry heave now) apply wax strip, pull their fleshy bits taught and yank off strip. (did I already say GROSS??) Continue this procedure until all hair is gone. Repeat same procedure with the other leg now pulled up to chest. Next have them bend their knee and drop that bent knee to table. proceed to wax any left over hair from any nook and cranny that has been over looked (ok, on my second puke bag now). Repeat other side.

Next, have them roll over on to all fours, if table is sturdy enough, (ok here is where it gets even more disgusting) and put wax up there crack. Apply wax strip and yank those unslightly and unwanted crack hairs if your table isn't sturdy enough the client then gets off of table and bends over the table, spreading their ass cheeks allowing you to spread the wax up into that crack and again yank those crack hairs away!

Oh yes, before the waxer begins the waxing, one also needs to lighlty oil the area to be waxed. Also, if the beaver is overly hairy, the waxer may need to trim the beard before the wax begins........(aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh running from the room!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now if any of you out there who have had a brazillian and has had their waxer use a different technique do tell.....or if you are the waxer and know a different technique, do tell also, and may I just say both the waxer and the waxee are brave souls for partaking in this practice!

This is just way too much information to see from one client.....and some waxers do this all day long! One of my colleagues was working at a salon, where they put her on brazillian detail all day.....she saw like 6 beards in 6 hours..... what a bloody nightmare!!! She did tell me that she got used to it, and it didn't bother her....ok, I don't ever want to get used to looking at some strangers anus ( but they aren't strangers they are usually regulars she said, yeah, but they were strangers at one point, and I don't need to know my client that intimitely thanks)

So when telling my fellow students that I will never do this and if anyone comes in for a brazillian, it is all theirs. I ain't touching gross stranger anus. Blaaaahhhhhhhh!!! So my fellow students and instructors always say to me, but there is alot of money to be made in brazillians! Yeah, well there is alot of money to be made in porno, but I aint' doin that either..........

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Old Wax

I do not like to wax. I have found this out. Most of my fellow students enjoy the thrill of waxing as they love to pull off the wax off of said wax victim as wax victim winges in pain and the student has thrill in their eyes to site of winging wax victim.

However, I just don't like to wax. Well, let me put it this way, I don't mind doing the eye brow wax or the lip and chin wax, but thats it.

Today I had to wax legs. Not just any legs. Crusty old lady legs. She wanted just a 1/2 wax done on her legs (for those of you who don't wax this is usually from the knees down) But no, my old lady wants from the knees up done. So here is old crusty lady legs on my wax table and I am having to touch old crusty lady legs, and of course, she wants the random hairs closer to her undie line gone too....GROSS!!!!!!! Don't want to go there, don't need to see this, but here like a trooper I continue on my waxing.....luckily I had one of my fellow students helping me.

So Mangey, I understand your feelings on old crusty backs you have to massage.

The only thing I am grateful for is that old crusty lady legs didn't then decide she wanted a brazilian. That is where I think I would become a beauty school drop out......

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Money For Nothing

Yet another item stolen from Jen, hey thanks for my blog ideas this week babe!!!

You are given a gift of 1 million dollars. There are some restrictions on how you can spend some of the money, as follows:

$100,000 must be donated to charity. What charities will you support?

$50,000 would go to the alsheimers Association as my mum died of this horrid disease, then the other $50,000 would go in her name to an animal charity as she adored all animals

$100,000 must be given to one person that you know. To whom do you give it? What would you expect him/her to do with it? Would you put any restrictions on its use? Would it make a difference if you could make the donation anonymously?

I of course would give the $100,000 to Mangey Cur. All I would request is that she use it as she wishes to have frivioulous fun, hire a bunch of naked midgets to dance up and down the mangey cur house for her and Rant boy, or be good and pay off debt, hey babe your money you choose! No, it would not make a difference if I gave it anonymously.

$100,000 must be given to someone who has recently been in the news. Who gets it? Why?

Hmmm.....lets see, who has been in the news lately, Bush, Hell no, uh, Tsunami people, I could, but that would be too easy, uh, hmmm....oh, I know, while I was down in LA, they showed the victims of that mudslide, and one dude in particular was this musician dude who had gone out to get some ice cream for his wife and kids who were waiting for him at home, when he got home his house and family were much does that I would give it to him, not that it would bring his family back, but man, how devistating is that to go out for 5 minutes and in that time your whole family just is maybe it would start to at least rebuild his new life...

$100,000 must be spent on a public beautification project. You can build a park, commission artwork, etc. What do you do, and where do you do it?

I would commission Mangey out to do some of her kick ass horse art (that she is doing one for me at the moment) but make them life size, and find a cool as beans place to display it to bring awareness to the beauty that is Mangey's art work.......either that or I would build a garden in memory of my mum who loved gardening and have Mangey's work displayed there...

$100,000 must be spent on a memorial to someone/something that you have loved and lost. What form does the memorial take? Who is it for?

As in above mentioned one, it would go to the memory of my mum but also my dad. It would have to be a garden, as they both loved gardening, my dad loved his veggie garden where mum was all about roses.

$50,000 must be spent studying something you have not formally studied. What will you study? I am already studying esthetics, I don't think that counts, so how about I enroll in Hogwarts school of WitchCraft and Wizardry......

$50,000 must be spent establishing a scholarship. What's it for and who will you name it for?

I will establish a scholarship for vet school and it will be named for my beloved Ghostie.

$50,000 must be given away in a contest. What kind of contest do you hold?

I hold a contest for the best worst dressed person, and that person has to have Trinni and Suzzanah from What not to Wear (BBC Americia) and they would help that person spend it on a fabulous wardrobe and makeup!

$200,000 must be spent doing as many things as you can on your "lifetime to do list."

Ok, first visit Europe in style, and if I have any money left over, I would start up my business the way I want it to be in the perfect location. And if there is any money left over from that, I would start my Liz and Vampys Animal Sanctuary for Adults and Retards (ok, a cut of the money would have to go to Killy for the naming of the sanctuary)

That leaves you with $150,000 of mad money. If the rules say you can't spend that money on things that might be termed "practical," what do you buy on your spending spree?

A new wardrobe, new makeup, buy Satan something he would want (which is usually not practical ie video games), buy shoeS, shoES, and more SHOES!!, buy a pony just because, purchase more handbags, cool things for the house, jewlery......oh yeah, and did I say SHOES!!!!!!

Monday, January 24, 2005

It's The Most Depressing Day Of The Year...Ding Dong...Ding Dong...

As I was laying on the couch this morning, watching tv after Satan left for work, there comes a blurb along the bottom of the morning news I was watching saying today is the most depressing day of the year. Thanks. Think I will go back to bed then.

So if anything, it got my ass up off the couch and went on a walk with my dogs. Why is it the most depressing day of the year I was pondering on my walk.....the sun is out, there is a hint of spring somewhere in the air, I can feel it....and then I thought, well yeah, it sucks as it is still winter, people back east have shitloads of snow being dumped on them, The new year is always over rated....and now people are starting to think of having to do their taxes as we all start to get those tax forms in the mail. Yeah, I can see how it could be the most depressing day of the year.

But aren't there other days way more depressing? I feel sorry for whoever is having a birthday today, as your birthday has been dubbed depressing.....

Also being a Monday, how much more depressing can it get?? As I just had to call and speak to evil boss on my Monday conference call......

However, it is the last week of the month, so that is good yes?? Ok, I am depressing myself happy depressed day everyone, do let me know if you are right there in the spirit of the day, or if you were able to bunk the system and this is the best day ever!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I steal Therefore I am

I have nothing...nothing to say...nothing here are some quizes......that I stole....the puppy one I found on my own, the other two were stolen from Dark Dreams and Jen.....


You Are a Chihuahua Puppy
Small, high strung, and loyal.You do best in the city with a adults - young kids could crush you!

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Original Goth

You were there first, because you're an
Old Original GothAs far as you're concerned nearly everyone is a babybat. You used to be called "Positive Punk" once upon a time. Bauhaus, Siouxsie, the Cult, hair like Robert Smith a long coat and pointy shoes. How times have changed. Are there any proper goths left?

Yet Another Goth Test

Whip It Good......

You're Whip Bettie. You're definitely on the
masochistic side. You like to sport dark colors
and especially black vinyl. Pain is
beauty...and well SEXY! Many see you as a
bitch, but that's okay, you can't always be
around to say thank you :)

Which Bettie Page Are You?
brought to you by

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I Wasn't Born With Enough Middle Fingers.......

Interesting how this week has been one big Marilyn Manson song lyric .......

Anyway.....Today started off with me having a yelling match with my boss.....yes a yelling match.....needless to say I was in a pissed off mood most of the day......Can't even bother to go into details about it as it will get me going again......needless to say, she started yelling at me for something I didn't even do....If you are going to yell at me, at least yell at me for something I have done. So of course being that I have a problem with people telling me I am wrong, (especially when I haven't done ANYTHING!!!!!) my father's temper comes out in me. Ah yes, and I won't back down. So even after today, when I proved my point.....did I get a sorry for the mishap, sorry I yelled at you for no reason Vampy.......NO!!!!!!! Of course not.

Just when I start to think, maybe this job is tolerable for a little while longer, the Universe slaps me upside the head with a dose of reality bullshit.

Thats about it. Other than yesterday....

Thought I was coming down with some weird stomach bugg, as I had massive shits yesterday and felt like shit break from American Pie. As I have a phobia re: public bathrooms, I left school early so I could get home and poo in peace. Oh yes, and home is 1 1/2 hours away from school, so that was one fast ride home, and as Satan says, I was hoping I wasn't touching cloth by the time I got home.........till the next Marilyn Manson song lyric comes along.....I'm outta here................................................

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

God Is In The TV...........(its a marilyn manson song people, not to worry)

It is 10:40pm, I should be in bed sleeping as I have to be up at 4:30 am.....but instead.....helping Satan set up the big mother fuckin tv!!!! Can't stop watching it,,,, and he has set up the surround sound so it is like we are at the movies.....

can't stop watching...must go to bed.....sleep.......poppies will make me sleep...........or will it be in front of the tv that makes me sleep???????????????

Monday, January 17, 2005

Fundamentally Loathsome

I'm Baaaaacccckkkkk!!!!!

31/2 days of being nice to people for more than 8 hours is alot for me. And it is so fucking tiring to be nice for that long too.

Lets see what are the highlights of my trip:

Had a definite confirmation that I want to open my own business, and it will happen.

Had a strange feeling that I was suckered into thinking I was at a sales meeting, when in fact I had been transported into a Christian Jubilee meeting. One day we had a speaker who had us get out of our seats and sing along to the "feel good" song that was being piped in on the speakers. At one point she had us put our hands in the air sway back and forth, her eyes closed singing this fucked up song we had to listen too..... Yes, you can imagine, I wasn't buying this and refused to do the whole arms in the air swaying back in forth singing was fucked up that is what it was......

Saw Nikki Hilton....or was it a skelton walking down the street? hmmmmmm..........

Got drunk with coworkers on Friday night....that was amusing, as the drinks were free, you can never have too many margaritas when that is the case.............

Didn't get back home till late on Saturday as our plane was delayed.......(thanks Liz for picking up me and my coworker from the airport)

Come home to find Satan busy putting up new shelves in our house to accomodate the dvd player, cd player, amp, record player, vcr, tivo box, etc...because he purchased a large flat screen tv that will be arriving this Tuesday........

Yes, when I am away Satan decides to purchase things.......big things.......expensive big things....

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Have you ever seen that Brady Bunch episode where Bobby and Cindy do the laundry and they put to much detergent in the wash, and Carol or was it Alice comes home and opens the door to the laundry room and the whole room is filled with suds???

Well, last night I go to put the dishwasher on and to my horror, we are out of dishwasher detergent. The dishwasher is completely full of dishes, and there is no way in hell I am doing that many dishes by hand. So I say to Satan, do you think if I put dishwashing liquid in there it would be ok...??? Hmmm, I don't know he says, give it a try.

So in goes the liquid and everything looks fine. About 20 minutes later, Satan goes into the kitchen, " Uh, Vampy, we have suds in here." I walk into the kitchen and what do I see, a cascading avalanche of suds coming out of the dishwasher on to the floor and slowly making its sudsy way into the pantry. Ooops. Guess I put too much liquid in there. However, at the end of the dishwashing cycle, there were no suds to be found in the dishwasher as I was expecting to find..hmmmmm.........

Tomorrow I leave for LA for 3 days. Hopefully this will be the last Sales Meeting I will have to attend as I will hopefully be graduating from school end of April/beginning of May and on to my new life....(fingers crossed) They have put us up in a fancy Beverly Hills Hotel which is cool.. although it doesn't look like they will be letting us out for good behavior as al l three days are jammed with meetings and shit.

Oh, and no school for me today, as there was a bus accident on the freeway and they closed the freeway for 4 hours. Don't feel like sitting in traffic, so I will give this week a wash with school and start a fresh next week, this just puts me a week out of graduating now.

Did anyone see Celebrity Fit club on VH1 over the weekend? I have decided to see if I can lose weight along with my fat celebrity friends (not really my friends of course, but if they were I would probably get along with Mia Tyler) So I also am hoping for a 5 pound weight loss this week, anyone else up for the challenge??

Monday, January 10, 2005

The Night That Wouldn't End

Liz came up Saturday night to see how things with EB would be. They seemed to be back to normal. Will have to wait to see with Liz on how things turned out, as they left together on Sunday.

On Saturday Jen and Liz came to my school to get facials. They also tipped me. Thanks chiquitas, I appreciate it!! Then Liz drove to my house for the weekend. We ( me, Liz, Satan, and EB) decided we would go to eat, go to a movie, and try one of these Indian Casinos........

We should have gone home after dinner, as it was a warning of how the evening would be....first off dinner SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ordered the Seafood platter....what I got was 2 pcs of breaded shrimp, and one piece of breaded soul, and the foulest smelliest who knows what the fuck it was breaded dead thing one the planet. Satan nearly gagged when I poked my knife into it, it oozed clear liquid out of the breaded mess, and then the smell let loose. It didn't even look cooked, it just jiggled underneath the bread crumbs as the stench of it filled the air. After we all had a go at trying to decifer what it was, we all think it may have been Abalone, (Eb and Liz took photos of this hideous meal it was so bad). Satan ordered liver, (yes he likes liver) and what he got was something dry and breaded as well. EB ordered Veal, but it looked like a plate of gravy with either long pieces of leek or onion hiding the tiny piece of Veal. Liz was the one that had the only decent looking dinner, beer battered shrimp, which was actually edible. I asked the waitress for Tarter Sauce to try and mask the taste of the shrimp and soul, however when she brought the tarter sauce to the table it looked like the cook must have splooged into a plastic cup. Ah, think I will pass on the tarter sauce thanks........

So after dinner, we went to see White Noise......after waiting an additional 30 minutes for the movie to start, as the teenagers who ran the place must have been fucking around in the booth, and having some freak dude come in before the movie started to announce that we all should get up and leave as the movie was should have been a clue....but no, we stayed, and lets just say, the movie SUCKED!!! Not as bad as the freak was making out it was, but it SUCKED none the less. It wasn't scary at all, you couldn't really hear what the voices were saying in the white noise...and the only funny part of the movie was some lady being splatted up against her window in her car, and at the end of the movie where it looks like the lady in the wheel chair was racing the mini had to have been there......

So on to the casino, it had to get better yes?? Uh, I am expecting Vegas style casino, uh,no. Nothing like walking into a zombie tweeker infested casino. However, Liz, EB and Satan all doubled their money the hour we were there. I didn't play. Didn't want to play, couldn't get me to was just not the scene for me.....

We went back home, it is now about 1am and decided to have some brownies (not EB, we forbid him to have any) and proceeded to play the game UNO until 5am in the morning........however, it just confirmed to Satan and I that staying home and cooking dinner and watching a movie on tv isn't so bad after all......

Monday, January 03, 2005

I Don't Like The Drugs But The Drugs Like Me

As you may have all read Liz' blog you know of the odd behavior that has happened over the weekend.

Well, this week I will not know when I will be getting here as I will have to do it on the sly as EB does not know about the blog world, and don't need to freak the freak out anymore if he stumbles across here while I am blog surfing.....

The loaded brownies we endured on New Years Eve were definitely that. LOADED!!!!! As I am not a smoker, I don't have a tolerance built my 1/2 of a brownie sent me into fits of laughter, talking just like Mangey (at one point Liz thought I was possessed by Mangey I was so much like her!) and thinking I was about to swallow my tongue which I thought was wearing a sock.....oh yeah, and my memory lapses that I couldn't remember things more than 1 minute at a time....(that was a preview of the alsheimers I am sure to face in my later years...)

So the awkwardness of having EB here is still rather awkward...he is feeling bad about the way he acted.....but now he is mopey and pining away I think for Liz......I am just thankful Satan has the week off to hang out with EB, and I can be left in peace to work and go to school.....

Oh yeah, and I have started a new chapter in my work, as I have a new terrritory and things should be alot better where that is concerned. I also have 200 hours in at school, so only 400 to the end of April with any luck I should be finished with school!! YIPPPEEEEE!!

Well, I best be signing off now......till we meet again fellow bloggers, I have just one tip: Stay away from Satan's loaded brownies!!!!!!