Thursday, April 28, 2005

Going To Sin City, Gonna Spend, Spend, Spend!!!

Satan, myself, and Chris are going to Vegas tomorrow!! Satan and Chris are going rock climbing out in red rocks (would like to go to....but....) while I go crazy at the Esthetic Skin and Body Expo!! My fellow students and I are going to go spending crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so now on to the lovey task the Lovely Liz has set out for me to do from her blog:

So here's how it works. Immediately following there is a list of 22 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.Once you're done you point this meme at three people you think will be cool with putting in a good two cents on it. Don't forget to add a profession to the end of the list with a link to your meme!
The List
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star (by Elizabeth)
If I could be an Indian Chief (by Vampyregirl)
If I could be a Friggin Rock Star (by Vampyregirl)

If I could be a Librarian: I would only have books on dark and alluring things. I would do away with the dewy decimal system and have a, Screwy decimal system where nothing made sense (as if dewy really did anyway) and of course, this library would NOT have an Evil Spawn section, in fact there would be no books on how to bring up your EVil Spawn.....and all Evil Spawn would be banned from entering the Library o' Death and Distruction.

If I could be Business Owner: I would hire my current boss, just so I could make HER life a Living hell....heh heh heh.......

If I could be an InnKeeper: My Inn would look like a cross between the Rocky Horror Picture Show house/spaceship and the Munsters house or of course Dracula's Castle. And of course, all my staff would have to look the part as well....I would make sure that all meals were served between 6pm and 3am. Early check in would be 2am with Check Out Being Midnight. And of course only the most beautiful evil creatures would be allowed room at the Inn.

If I could be a Scientist: I would find a cure for Alsheimers. And of course create a pill for everlasting love, happiness, success, beauty, youth....(you get the picture) and Of course after doing so, I would be Rich Rich Rich!!!

If I could be a Bonnie Pirate: I would sail off to find me some Johnny Depp in Pirates!! ;)

Ok, TAG! Your It: SJ, Bees Knees, Wickkett

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Old Grey Beaver Ain't What She Used To Be.....

At school, the facial room and the wax room are in the same room, just a plastic curtain seperates the two today I have a client in the facial room, its quiet in there with Indian flute music coming out of the boom client is in snoozing mode, their are two other students in the waxing room doing two waxes.....and one comes out of the wax room to get more spatulas from the facial room....and of course my eyes wander over to the curtain that she just came out from......and oh....GROSS!!!!!!! I see OLD WOMAN BEAVER SPREAD EAGLE STARING BACK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My fellow student failed to close the curtain all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god, I was blinded!!!!!!!!! Now I think I HAVE seen the grossest thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this woman was probably mid 60's.......getting a brazilian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if Granny wants a brazilian for Grandpa, more power to ya toots, but for the love of GOD fellow student, PLEASE CLOSE THE CURTAIN!!!!!!!!!!! And it wasn't just a one time ooops curtain was left open kind of a thing.......students kept coming and going out of that room, and kept leaving the curtain open just enough for the old beav to keep peeping at me......I think someone must of informed the other students there was an old beaver getting hairless, and everyone was in disbelief or something.....and had to come in for a look.....

And this lady didn't seem to care, she was talking away to her friend who was in there (probably getting the same thing, luckily that curtain never opened....eeegads, a double old beaver shot!) too.

I am so going to have nightmares about this.......

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Don't You Just Love The Smell Of Death In The Morning......

I survived the sales meeting.. barely. I really need to get out of here as soon as I can find a salon to work in. Can you say micro managing to the extreme. Fuckers. I hate corporate fucks. Everyone is all scared and worried that they are going to lose their jobs. I on the other hand would be happy as fuck if I got my marching papers. But no such luck, they know I am in hell and would rather keep me, then to see me happy. I spit on their corporate haircuts.

7 days left till I am done with school!! YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our snake of 12 years died this morning. He (or she, we never knew) has now gone to serpent in peace o' snakey one.

This morning, I get out of bed to go and take the glorious first pee of the morning. And open our bedroom door to the smell of death. Not extreme death, just hint of death. And Willow (the littlest girl) goes running straight to the snake tank (which she never does). In her doggie way it was like she was saying, "OOOOOOOOOUUUU, I smell dead things!!!" So after I have my morning sit, I return to the bedroom to inform Satan that I think the snake has died. He goes out, and has a look, yeah, he looks pretty dead. ( how can you tell though if a snake is really dead, and not pretending to be dead?)

So, as we are still in sleep mode, we go back to bed for like 30 more minutes (he's dead, its not like he is going to go anywhere)......however dead things don't stay fresh once there we unfortuantely fell back to sleep, and was jolted out of bed by the phone ringing, Satan's dad is calling. So I think, right I will go and make some coffe...not remembering death out the door....and I open the door, and MAN! The smell of death, knocks you off your feet! This is now, bad, puke inducing bad. I slam the door shut I can't go out there. So I find two of Satan's scarfs and tie them around my nose and mouth.....ok I am goin in.......I make the fastest coffee I have ever made, and had to keep running back to the bedroom for safety. I opened all the windows that I could to let death out.

So finally Satan gets off the phone with his dad ( I have been outside the whole time after making coffe, as I can't be in the house, it reeks.) so we can dispose of corpse. Satan has gloves on , and has now a scarf around his mouth and nose as well. I have made the preperations, got big garbage bin liner ready for the snake to go in, and now I am outside, as the smell, is vomitious at this point. So I see through the window, Satan taking out limp body of snake and putting it in the bag....then I here puke coughing starting from Satan. He runs through the house with garbage bag flings bag outside on the porch, and runs to the backyard, as I start hearing hurling sounds coming from Satan. Oh my god, I couldn't stop laughing. I am bent over tears running down my face laughing at the site of Satan puking his guts out in the backyard.....he of course through his puke coughs is saying, hey, its not funny......don't laugh...and of course it makes it more funny.......and he in the midst of cough/puking is laughing too.......

So in conclusion of our vomitious morning........we do agree that the actors in CSI need to go and partake in some real death smells to get their acting better when they stumble across dead bloated bodies in boiling water........

Monday, April 18, 2005

I've Been Lying Here So Lonely....I've Been Wishin' You Might Telephone Me.....

Darling Pete.

So it seems that some people have gotten to my blog looking for Pete Burns. Yes, I wish Pete was hanging out at my blog...the old Pete (above) not like scary plastic surgery Pete of the here and now......

Some other freaks have been looking for Paula Abdul's finger nail, and have come by my blog, others are looking for wife's panties.....sorry can't help out either of you for I do not know how Paula and her finger are doing these days, and as Satan likes to steal my panties, I have none to give.

I will not be able to blog over the next couple o' days, as I will be attending a sales meeting in San Francisco. I actually get to stay at a hotel there. Seems weird to stay at a hotel there when I commute there quite frequently. But hey, a free hotel, free meal, how can a girl refuse.

I have 75 hours left of school. Yippeee!!! or 11 days if you perfer it in days. I soooo can't wait...I have started looking at places that I would like to work at. And I totally want to get Chicken's product that she is now selling these days for my place when I am ready to open.

So until, Friday, have a fabulous week my lovelies, wish me well at the corporate event from hell.........

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Daylight In The Garden Of Evil

does anyone know what kind of flower this is?

This rather unusual flower has shown up in our garden. We think a bird may have dropped some seeds or something of that nature, as we never planted this before. The other unusual thing about it, is that the location it decided to come up in is in the rose garden.......

However, it is rather cool looking....don't ya think? It still has more teeny tiny flowers to open up yet, so when it is in full bloom it should be quite cool......

It has just stumped Satan and I how it got here.........this has what our Sunday mornings have turned into, trying to figure out the new foliage that has turned up in our garden over the week.....

Friday, April 15, 2005

It's the Final Countdown (yes, it is that dreaded 80's tune)

Its been a non newsworthy week in the Satan household. I wish I could give you some witty news of whats been happening in Beauty School, but thats been rather quiet as well. But I am sure tomorrow something will happen at school, as I am there ALL DAY!

I am trying to put in as many hours as I can so I can make my getting out of beauty school deadline of May 6th. I can do it! So Saturday will be a full 8 I am sure I will get an eye full of waxing to do tomorrow as the weather has turned nice and warm, and the legs will be bear looking to be waxed, just please no bikini pube clown car again!

However, Satan, myself, and our friend Chris will be going to Las Vegas on the 29th! They are going climbing, I will be in heaven at a skin and body expo for the Saturday and Sunday we are there....rows and rows of skincare and makeup to buy!! So can't wait! And alot of my buds from school are going, so I have plenty o people to hang with while Satan and Chris are climbing....

ok, but first, I best go and take a shower, as I am with the boss today.....back to life...back to reality.......pfft!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Pissed Kitty Wants To Know....

The lovely and talented Pissed Kitty emailed me these lovely questions to answer, so here is my reply oh pissed one:

1. What, if anything, scares you?
Besides when I was 15 when my father died of a heart attack, and I thought everyone else in my family would drop dead of one as well ( that can make you rather psycho at a rather young age)....I think it would be CLOWNS!!! Evil Evil CLOWNS!!

2. When wearing the color black, what is the best way to rid yourself of dog/animal/people hair? And what sort of makeup goes best with it?I can combine questions if I want. I am above the law.

Yes, Pisser you are above the law, so I will answer both, I do find that those roll-y tape on a stick thing works pretty well to rid yourself of unsightly dog/animal/people hair...(not to mention other peoples pubes you may come across while waxing Eweeeeeuuuuuhhhhhhhh!) And as regards to the makeup, the great thing about wearing black is that everything goes with it...Less hassle in the morning you see....And being that I am slapping makeup on myself at the wee hour of 4:45am every morning, it kinda helps that I will be wearing black that day...Problem solved....

.3. What is the best advice you can give others regarding how to get and stay married...?

Get married because you want to, not because you need to. Get married because you really are in love with that person, not infatuated, or in awe, or because maybe this is the only offer you will ever get.

Advice for staying married: If you got married for the right reasons, it is easy to stay married. I got married to the person I knew I was in love with and who loved me back. I stay married to him because he is my best friend, and I still love him as much if not more than when we first got married. Even though he can be a real pain in the ass sometimes ( and I know I can be a real pain in the ass most of the time!)

4. What is the grossest thing, besides the dreaded Brazilian, that you have to do as an aesthetician? (Did I spell that right...?)

Ok, the dreaded Brazilian wins hands down (or should I say pubes down) but what comes in a close second is squeezing someone else's puss filled zits. I nearly puked (literally) on this one poor guy it was so gross. I had to stop. (However, squeezing someone else's zits is a great appetite suppressant!)

5. While reading the journals of your single friends, do you:
a) shake your head and say "tsk, tsk"
b) laugh and shrug
c) Satan farted!
d) need someone to hold your head
e) wish you had a "special" brownie
f) all of the above
g) other?

It would definitely be "f", all of the above....As shaking head is a nightly occurrence while reading blogs (Liz and her bootie call experience), laughing and shrugging usually is done on the Mangey Cur Diaries, The Pissed Kitty, Liz, Chicken, Jen, Mz. Knees......(you get the picture), Satan farted! Happens anytime, anywhere....So that is a given, needing someone to hold my head usually happens while writing my own blog, wishing for that special brownie definitely would make some of the blogs make more sense...........

Thank you pisser for those fabulous questions, now do I have to pass this along to 5 other people? I will need email addresses if I do........... oh yeah, now read my other blog below people, where were you today........working or something?????

Monday, April 11, 2005

Return To Sender

I received a package from my older sis today......She always sends weird random stuff. She said she was "spring cleaning".....In other words, I found this crap in my house I no longer want....Here you can have it.....She used to do this when Mangey and I lived at home with her. She would do this with birthday and Christmas presents you had given her....And one day she would come across them thinking the length of time had passed that we would not remember that we had purchased her these presents.

"I found this in my closet, do you want it"...
"Uh no older sis, I gave that to you for Christmas"
"no you didn't! I purchased this awhile ago..."
"uh yeah, right, and no, I don't want it....."

So anyway, what did I get in the mail today....Ok, lets see.....Photos that Mangey had taken of Mt. Tam in 1993 ( did she think it was I who had taken these photos?) that she had mailed to our mum, a gross photo of me picking blackberries in Oregon with my mum, a photo of my mum picking blackberries (that made me sad, she looked so cute), a strange photo of Satan on top of a roof with really baggy sweats on, a photo of my mum, me, and Satan looking like one of those Russian dolls, that you open and there is a smaller one inside (don't ask, we are just in height order...), an 8x10 photo of me when I was 19 posing with "jazz" hands ( it was an "official" photo taken when I was in a dance troupe), information on how to give a breast exam...(is this for me or for Satan?), a broken alsheimers pin....(uh, was it broken when she mailed it?) and last but not least a pamphlet called the Spa Enthusiast. I must say the last one did come in handy as I went to the website and found some exciting information on spas.....

Gee, don't you wish you had a strange older sis like me....Oh yeah, Mangey, your package she told me is in the mail to you as well.....

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Spring at the Coven

Springtime at the coven

I just love this time of year. All the flowers in our garden are blooming. The wisteria is blooming like mad now. I lurve it.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary to Satan. We have now been married for 12 years. To celebrate we went to see the Giants play. It was alot of fun.....we had really good seats too, we were between 3rd base and home plate. The best thing, was that our seats were shaded! That is real important to a vampyre you I really didn't feel like sizziling in front of the masses.

In other news, I only have 17 days left of school! Yippeee!!! 102 hours to go and I am done, no more getting up at 4:30 in the morning can't wait for that......and that means I can quit my job soon, and begin my whole new life.......oh what fun......yes, there is definitely something about spring!

Monday, April 04, 2005

What Muppet Are You?

sweetums jpeg
You are Sweetums.A hard exterior covers up the soft sweet center of
your soul. And you love to eat humans.
SPECIAL TALENTS:Really big dance steps.FAVORITE MOVIE:"Big"
QUOTE:"Wait for me!"
LAST BOOK READ:"Taming Your Outer Beast"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Ghosts in the Machine

This one is for the Knees:

My mother had a heart attack one October that brought my whole family together in Suckto (sacramento, for those of you who don't know how sucky it truly is). Mangey Cur, Rantboy and myself were staying at my mums house which was directly across the street from older sisters house. We were there to cover the night shift, making sure my mum was ok in the evenings and stuff.

So, after we put mum and grandmother to bed, we are sitting out in the family room watching the tv. We knew that the old owner and his wife both died in the house, and from what we knew of them they were pretty nice old people. But my oldest sister had said that mum kept talking about the ladys that hung out with her and stuff, and that she sometimes would feel cold in certain spots of the house, and at other times my sister heard voices in different rooms, and one of the times she had seen "something" throwing nick nacks off of my mums shelfs without anyone around......Anyway, so Mangey is walking from the kitchen into the living room and walking toward me and rantboy in the family room. Rantboy is sitting with his back to Mangey in my mums chair, while I am facing Rantboy on the couch. I can see Mangey approaching from the corner of my left eye. And I also see something that I can only describe as when the Predator (if any of you have seen the Predator movies) in his cloaked state where he looks like a vapor, moving fast behind Mangey. As she passes by me, I can see this "thing" moving faster, however this thing runs into me and passes into my left side, goes through me, and exists me on my right hand side, then turns the corner and runs back into the kitchen. Rantboy says, ok there is some weird shit going on in this house, did you see that go into the kitchen.....

At this time, my whole left side feels like I have been struck by lightening. I say to Rantboy and Mangey, uh yeah, what ever that was, just chased Mangey through the living room, and ran into me.......

Mangey is then rather bummed that she missed the whole thing, although what ever "it" was, was chasing after her......

Anyway, I tell Mangey about how weird my left side is feeling at the moment, and that my left wrist feels like I have carple tunnel, and can she help me, being that she is a massage therapist and all ( at the time Mangey was still in Massage School) and being she needed to practice her shiatsu massage technique, could she do it on she says no problem...well what went on for about an hour after that was like she was performing an exorcism on me.......I was uncontrolably rolling around on the floor and flipping like a fish...I kid you was the oddest thing....not to mention after about an hour my flipping fish manuevers started to slowly stop. But what was weird about it, I had no idea I was flipping as much as I was until I opened my eyes up and Mangey and Rantboy telling me that whatever had run into me had left some serious ju ju in me as that was the freakiest shiatsu massage Mangey had ever done.

Now like I said in my last post, that was the only time I have felt this way, until this woman enrolled in my school, she has some very strange mo jo(magic) or ju ju in her, as on Saturday she came in for a couple of hours. Well, she comes in and sits behind me, and I am thinking, ok, its all in your mind.....don't think about it...but about 15 minutes goes by, and I suddenly start getting this creeping major back ache pain...its so bad, that I have to stand up and try and work it out....everyone in the room are like, are you ok, you don't look to good, I am all, well my back is seriously gone into a spasm, I think I will sit over here. I moved over to the other side of the room away from her, and wouldn't ya know it within about 5 minutes of being away from her, the spasm went away......however my left hand that was hit by the ghost that chased Mangey has been hurting like crazy ever feels like I have carple tunnel again.....Mangey, are you available for another shiatsu exorcism anytime soon??