Saturday, December 31, 2005

Out With The Old.......

Wow, this is my last post for the year. What a trip. I keep forgetting it is New Years Eve today. Maybe cuz I am still not believing that this year is over. Wow how time flies, and not necessarily all when you are having fun. It just flies. Someone said to me the other day it is a sure sign that you are older when time flies, as when you are a kid time feels like it never moves.

How true is that. And how sad. True that time did stand still when I was younger, and how sad that I am

So what are the things that I will remember about this year? Lets see.......I graduated esthetics school, passed the state board, started my own two adorable boys who are both now bigger than their sis, Willow (and they are only 5 months old..).........

other excitement of 2005: got to see my first Giants baseball game at SBC park for Satan and my anniversary, saw Lestat the musical (woo Hoo!), went to Vegas, and didn't gamble at all (now that is a 1st!) as I was too busy shopping for work to quit working for The Man, attended my last EVEAH corporate sales meeting!!!!!....

things I wish I could of done: exercised more, read more books, took a vacation to England, changed my eating habits, gone climbing, seen mangey cur......

Things I will do in 2006: Exercise more, read more, take a vacation to England, finally change my eating habit and stick to it, see Mangey Cur, watch my buzinezz really take off and have at least 60 repeat clients a month!! save money! get a new car!

Ok, I think I just wrote my resolutions.....

Happy New Year to all my beautiful creatures of the night! And to all of you lovely day creatures too!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Alright all you sinners......Swing!!!!!

Alright everyone, from my latest stats it looks like I have pervs browsing thru my blog.

Here are the top 5 ways pervs have gotten to my site:

1. Thong and how to wear them

2. Nails ripped off

3. Grannie Panties

4. Grannie Ass (ok this is just way to gross....)

5. Whats Under her skirt

The other 5 were non pervie:

6. Vampyre

7. Lestat Musical Merchandise

8. Dogs D' Mour

9. Faux Hawk photos

10. Marilyn Manson

So to all you pervs out there who are perusing the vampyre lair, hello, how are ya, sorry to have dissappointed you with your search for granny ass, I maybe old, but not that old...........

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Bible Thumper, the Grinch, and the Looking Glass...................

By the looks of people today, I noticed the christmas spirit has gone far far away. Either that or the Grinch must of hung out with alot o peeps this year.

First off my bible thumping neighbor. I am on my 2nd dog walk of the day when I see her with her evil spawn in toe pulling in the trash cans (oh yes, she is about 4 months prego with 2nd evil spawn on the way) her dog comes running over to the fence to say hi to me and Leo, and their new puppy is dancing around by her feet. When I first saw her, I think she was trying not to make eye contact. Which is fine by me. However, because her dog came over to fence to say hi to Leo...her plan was foiled. So she is calling her dog to come over and has to look up at me....."oh, hi vampy. Did you have a good christmas?" " why yes I did thanks...... was yours good?" ( yes I am trying to be nice....) "mmmm hmmmm" (she says in the most annoyed response ever) and then she proceeds to pull dog away from fence and walk back towards her house......

Ok, whatevah......Satan says she was probably having one of those preggo moments where everything is shot to hell....hubby at work and she is having to deal with dog, puppy, evil spawn, and evil spawn on the way, as well as bring in garbage cans......

However do I feel sorry for her....uh no. She is the one who wanted more evil spawn, and a new puppy......

Next at the grocery store ( I always seem to have a merry time there) and nothing but bitter old people well as that stupid fat white trash chick and her million and one kids I seemed to always run into........and the checker was a miserable old fuck as well.

Oh yeah, and the first signs of me getting old.....ok, maybe the the first is the grey hairs on my head ( but I can cover those up with hair color).....I had to buy my first pair of reading glasses today. Yes GLASSES! Now for those of you who have had to wear glasses practically all your life, you probably think this is no biggie. However, I was always the one with the superior eye sight. The eye doctors were always amazed how great my eyesight was and would make me do all these impossible tests just to see how well I could see. I was better than 20/20 vision in fact. However, today I am not. And to make matters worse staring back at me through the mirror as I tried on Safeway reading glasses was none other than my mother. Just keep me away from the red lipstick and Neil Diamond music or the transformation will be complete......I will post photos of sad girl wearing reading glasses shortly.........

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Vampyre Express

stolen from american express ad.......

My Name: VampyreGirl

Childhood Ambition: to dance on Broadway......

Fondest Memory: the night I became a Vampyre

Soundtrack: The Crow......

Retreat: My coffin

Wildest Dream: To win the lottery....

Proudest Moment: Starting my own business

Biggest Challenge: Getting up in the morning

Alarm Clock: Leo and Spirit growling at each other

Perfect Day: sleeping in all day long!!

First Job: Aerobic Instructor

Indulgence: SHOES!!!!

Last Purchase: a necklace

Favorite Movie: Interview with the Vampire and Practical Magic

Inspiration: my mum

My Life: could be better, could be worse, can't complain......

My Card: Vampyre Express

Monday, December 19, 2005

Happy Birthday To Me.........!!!!

Happy Birthday to me.....Happy Birthday to me.....Happy Birthday dear meee.....Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went and saw Lestat last night. It was really good. Would I go again? Yes. Yes, I would.
Was the audience what I Middle age, and balding. Satan said it was probably the draw of Elton John.

The musical stuck to the story line pretty well, didn't do the whole book, as I would probably still be there as it was 3 hours long. The dude that played Lestat was pretty good. I liked him better than Tom Cruise...although Liz liked Tom Cruise better, but she hasn't read the book, and the Musical dude was more like Lestat from the book. Not Tomstat.

The chick who played Gabrielle (Lestat's mom) was really good, she had a killer voice too, made me wish I could break into song like that....well I could, but I don't think I would be getting the audience nearly standing and clapping after each of my numbers though......

I was most disappointed by the merchandise though. Barely anything. I did get a Lestat tank top. But that is all they had.

Ok, must get ready to go now, Satan is taking me to see Harry Potter this afternoon. Vampires, witches and wizards....can this birthday get any better????

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Big Eyes......I Keep Falling For Those......

Just because I haven't posted a photo of Darlink Marilyn in awhile, thought this was a good one.
He got married at the beginning of the month. If it had been my teenage youth, I would be very upset right now.

You see, I had a major major crush on Robin Zander of Cheap Trick when I was 13. Needless to say he got married when I was I think in 7th grade. And I was crushed, heartbroken. I think this was the first time my heart was broken. Yes, as a matter of fact it I would stare at my Cheap Trick posters on my wall every night, wondering how he could of done this to me!!!! Didn't he realize I was the one he should of waited for and married!!!!!!!! I want you to want me Robin Zander!! Damn you Robin Zander!! Damn you!!!!!!!

Fast forward many years later when I came face to face with Robin at the Stone in San Francisco.....yeah, you see me now Mr. Zander and you are seeing what you missed out on.....mmmm should of should of waited......silly boy.......

Anyway, in looking at the photo of Marilyn, maybe I should try a fauxhawk for the Lestat Musical? uh, no........doesn't really work for people with large heads.......

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

And Now For the Wardrobe....

What to Wear to The Theater Des Vampyres?
So I do know what I will be wearing on my feet. My bitchin boots.....they are way too cool to sit at home for a night of vamp-ing at its best. But that means, I need to wear a skirt to get the total shock and awe of the boots....but can I fit into the skirt I used to wear with these boots....hmmmmm.......Houston, we may have a problem.....................

Ok, lets forget about my ever expanding waist line for a moment, and go to the top, should my hair be curly or straight for a night of vampyres? You have all seen my hair curly or straight, yes? Hmm...I am thinking straight these days makes me look old....and who wants to be seen with an old vampyre...................................dilemmas, people, I have dilemmas!

You think this is bad, you should of seen me getting ready to go somewhere BEFORE I was married! Mangey knows the agony of it all............................................................

Sunday, December 11, 2005

One Week To Go......

Got the Lestat the Musical tickets in the mail yesterday.....I am so excited I can't wait!!
I went surfing google to see if there was any news on it.....
and I came up with the official website.

It has three songs to listen to and a forum for people to chat it was rather interesting. Another site which is a playbill site has a photo of the cast. Of course they are out of character so I am trying to picture the dude as Lestat. It says the dude that will be Lestat also was the Phantom of the we shall see........ever hopeful that this will be good, and not a severe disappointment like Queen of the Damn was as a movie......that was just heartbreaking.....

So now to pick the right outfit for the know this will become my new obsession this week..........

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Day Yoda Came to Town

So yesterday, I am driving home from work, and I call Satan to tell him I am on my way. I ask if everything is cool at the house as I usually do. He says uh......yeah...except something odd. Odd? Like what? I will tell you when you get home, he says......

Uh, no, tell me now otherwise I am going to be wondering the whole way home.....

So Satan says, "Yoda".
"Yeah, you know, Yoda, the little green dude the force is strong with him, hangs out in swamps.."
"ok, whats up with Yoda."
" Well, did the dogs carry him home today?"
"No......I am not understanding this conversation at the moment...."
"Yoda was sitting right in the middle of our driveway, about half way down....staring at the house......I saw him as I was driving in.....wondered if the dogs may have put him there...."

Ok, now for those of you that think what the see we live out in the middle of one ever comes to our house, our driveway is very long about 200 ft....s0 no one ever goes down there......except for Yoda......

When I got home, there is little Yoda sitting on the mantle of our fireplace....hmmm..I went over to him and asked, "why did you show up Yoda?"

Is the force strong with us here at the coven?
Do you see the Dark Side here at the coven?
Are you hear to tell me that fear leads to hate.....hate leads to the dark side?

Nothing.....he just sat there.

Then I heard Yoda's voice in my head:

"Nothing to blog about, you have. Take care of that, I will."

Thanks Yoda.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Scooby Dooby Doo, Where Are You?

Well the other day after exercising I go to take a shower. Now Willow always has to come in the bathroom with me when I shower. Don't know why. Maybe it is because we kept her in there when we were at work when she was a puppy, and she feels it is still her home.....anyway, so we are in there. Get out, get dressed. and notice it is really really quiet in the rest of the house. I look at Willow like hmmm....I wonder what is going on....she looks at me like "I dunno...."

So I venture out of the bathroom, noticing there are no puppies in the house. The precious is sitting on the couch with a look on her face like, "what, I didn't do anything...." so I go to the door and call for them thinking they are in the backyard getting up to no good. Nothing.......
I yell again......still nothing....just an eerie silence answering me. Ok this is not good. I look frantically through the house to see if they are maybe under the bed or something which I they aren't. so I quickly put some shoes on, take the turban that is holding my wet hair off, and go out to my backyard. I start calling....Spiiiirriiiitttt, LLEEEEEOOOOO..........nothing.....walk down to one shed, yell again....Spiirrrriiiiit, Leeeeooooooo......nothing.....oh god. I am now thinking....did they get did they get out???

I walk up past the ponds looking in to see if there are any puppy floaters in I start my call again, Spirit.....Leo.....? My calls are getting shorter and more frantic.......where do I start looking, down the street behind us, if they shimmied thru the back fence, or do I start looking out the front.......when do I call Satan,,,,,to tell him I have lost the boys.....shit......mother fucker!!!! Ok one last call....Spirit......Leo.......still nothing.....

I go back inside. Willow is now looking at me like, "oh my god, whats going on!!!!" The precious is still looking at me from the couch, looking rather sheepishly......ok precious, what have you done to the boys.....

I then think wait a minute, they couldn't have......would they have?????? I walk into the kitchen and open the pantry door......and what do I see, two dog butts in the air, tails wagging, face first into the bag of puppy kibble, and a box of Scooby snacks on the floor...........they had obviously heard me and the little pigs picked up the pace of the frantic eating before they got caught.

Of course I was so excited to see them they didn't get into trouble. I just realized I need to completely shut the pantry door from now on......however, I do believe the precious had lured them in there with dreams of the promised land of puppy food..........

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Sacred Cow......

" now Spirit, we will be taking a family photo, so please,
don't try and hump your brother or sister in the shots..."

So as I am on my 5th day of my diet....I have lost 51/2 pounds! Woo Hoo! However, I realized today that I miss chewing.....I wasn't hungry but needed to chew. Thankfully I had some gum within my reach......

Then it struck me. I must have been a cow in a past life. No glamorous person in a history book, no young Hollywood starlet struck down in her youth in the roaring French nobleman wearing Lestat type just a cud chewing cow. You do realize that this would explain a lot about me. My insatiable need to chew, my love of dairy products, the way I look longingly out into the cow pastures as I cruise through Sonoma County........and of course lets not forget when the dreaded PMS arrives I do feel like I have udders instead of breasteses....

So then I started thinking.....well then what kind of a cow would I be.....a boring run of the mill cow who (poor thing) will end up in the slaughtering line?.........a cute little dairy cow with the big droopy ears........but no, if I want to be something famous, then I must have been one of those "sacred cows " that tribes totally worship. Don't they drink blood from the neck of a sacred cow? That would explain the vampyrism I have now..... Yes, that must be it....I was a sacred Cow!

So now I need to explain my love for coffee.....hmmmm.....Maybe I was Juan Valdez in a former life? Or a close relative????????

Monday, November 28, 2005

Picture Perfect

Yesterday Liz and her man Chris were over and they were helping us take photos of the whole coven, All four dogs, Satan and Myself. Needless to say, it is very hard to get all six of us looking perfect at the same time. It was hilarious none the less. The pups were the only ones on their best behavior. The precious and Willow were just not cooperating, and I couldn't stop laughing everytime Liz tried to take the photo. And we all know how evil Satan can be. So hopefully we can find at least one that we all kinda look ok in.

In other news, I am back on my diet. Since Satan's parents arrived with evil amounts of chocolate, I have gained 7 pounds. That just sucks. So now, I am back to my low carb eating ways, and I have been on it since Friday. I have lost 3 pounds so far. But ya know what sucks? Having to lose those 7 pounds, then having to lose the additional weight that I have put on in the past year. And to really kick off my diet, I did watch "Super Size Me" last night, the documentary about the dude who eats nothing but McDonalds for a whole month. He gained like 20 something pounds in that one month. By the end of the film, I am definitely off fast food. For awhile anyway.......

Speaking of food, as that is all ya think about when starting a diet, I found these really good Blue Diamond Almonds yesterday at the grocery store, they are Maui Onion and Garlic flavored. They only have 2 carbs per 28 nuts....and the beauty is there is no way I can consume 28 in one sitting as the Maui Onion does me in by the 5th nut. But they are damn good. They also had Lime and Chili flavored, Wasabi and Soy Sauce flavored. I may be brave and try the Wasabi ones next week.

As for Thanksgiving. We stayed home. It was great. and Friday we stayed home too, so no spending money for us on Black Friday. With a name like "Black Friday" you think I would have been all over it. But as I am a hermit, I just couldn't see myself going to stores with a million people I would end up wanting to kill by the end. So I stayed home.

Thats it. Another dull post. I think I may have to leave my house soon, as nothing has pissed me off in the last 5 days, and this blog is getting way to boring for words. So maybe I will go and take a walk in the rain, without a hood. As it is raining right now. And I get really pissed off when rain hits my face. Don't know why.....these odd rages just happen........

Monday, November 21, 2005

Theater Des Vampyres

Oh yes, I will be going. I just purchased tickets for myself, Satan, Liz and her man Chris to go on Dec. 18th, the day before my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. Oh yes, I cannot wait.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Don't Bother me, I'm Shopping.................

Gone to trade show....about to spend way too much money......don't care......I am a skin care junky.......and us junkies man, we don't care how much, just that we need the fix.

Its all about the skin care fix.

I'll be back with a skincare hang over on Monday......

toodles kids

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Don't Worry, it Feels Just Like a BandAid Being Ripped Off....

ok you must go HERE and read this. It is just too painful to even try and put into my own words.

But then again, figures things like this happen at other trade shows that I am not know the sicko in me would have loved to have seen this.......

Will be going to a trade show this weekend. Should be fun....but no waxing classes such as the one described in the above link. Damn it, why does everyone else get to have all the fun?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Sweet and the Gross......

How cute is this puppy?!!!!! Thanks to Liz for this photo of darling Little Leo. He is so much bigger than this now. This was taken a month ago at SatanFest.

Oh, and thanks to Pisser for this! Now how gross and fun is that! So now everyone can practice their waxing techniques! If only I had this when I was in school!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Curse of the Evil Spawn........

So lets see what has happened since Saturday:

Went to see Hil and Liz on Saturday. Went shopping with Liz and Jen. Went over to Hil's house and waited for her to come home from the CAbi party. She called while I was on my way to her house asking if it was ok that evil spawn and baby sitter was still there. I could either hang out with them, or relieve baby sitter of her evil spawn duties. Uh, thats not gonna happen. So baby sitter and evil spawn hung out back in the bedrooms while I read magazines until Hil and CAbi chicka came home. (Liz had to leave me as she had a family outing at Benny Hana's she had to go to)......Liz did show up later that eve for drinks and chit chat......

Sunday rolled around and had brunch at a cool little resturant down by the ocean. Evil Spawn of course screamed and cried through most of it. Went back to Hil's house and helped get ready for the CAbi party ( this party is the one that Liz had previously spent $2000 at, which at the time I couldn't understand why....) Clothes were actually pretty cool. Found a really cool jacket, and a sweater. Woo Hoo. Another evil spawn girl entered the picture somewhere in the early afternoon. The evil spawn and I went rounds (yes, I can go rounds with a 4 year old.....) about a star wars dvd. I think he may have put a curse on me........

You see, back on Halloween Hil came down with the evil spawn 24 hour puking disease. Evil spawn had acquired it the previous week, and past it along to Hil. She told us about her pukefest on Saturday evening.

So Monday morning comes around. I am sitting on the couch. So happy I have Monday off. Starting to watch Regis and Kelly (why in gods name I don't know....) and took a sip of my coffee........moments later........oh my god, I think I am gonna spew...........went running to the bathroom just in the nicky of time as my one sip of coffee and everything else in my being came rip roaring out of me......and continued to do so on the hour every hour until 3:30 pm that afternoon. Satan did come home to look after me as when he called about 1:30pm he said I sounded funny......oh, just been having a date with Mr. Porcelain most of the he came home right as my last puking finished.........the rest of the eve was sprent going in and out of a coma on the couch. Waking up to major back pain and stomach pains.

Tuesday I woke up feeling much better, although I have only eaten a bowl of chicken soup and 2 pieces of toast for the whole entire day. Grocery shopping was difficult, Satan was kind enough to stay home with me to help out, otherwise, we would still have no food in this house.

So was it the curse of the Evil Spawn, or was it the fact that Regis and Kelly actually made me sick to my stomach??????????

Friday, November 04, 2005

Certified Crazy

First of all, thanks to Mz. Chicken for coming out to the West Coast and hanging with me and the ditzy hairdressers! Hope they amused you as much as they always seem to amuse me!

Still not much happenin' here. However, I did realize today why Satan and I moved way out here in the middle of nowhere, the neighbors will never know how truly insane I am.
Can you imagine if we did live in Suburbia and the nosey neighbor heard this from the other side of the fence:

"Leo, please don't eat the puke on the floor......"
"Spirit, for god's sake, stop humping your sister......"
"You boys are not coming inside until you poop and pee out here......"
"Willow, for god's sake, stop humping your brother......"
"Satan, its your turn to feed the kids", " no its not I fed them last night, its your turn" "no its not, I fed them last night.....or did I ?"
"Leo, please take the dead mouse out of your mouth......"
"Willow, would you please stop bringing dried turds into this house!"
"Satan do you want to eat the last eyeball, or can I have it?"

Just another day in the life here at the coven......................

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Please Keep Your Snoring to A Minimum When Reading This Post....

Tried to post yesterday, but it kept rejecting my post. So needless to say even blogger thinks I am way to boring to print.

Nothing happening here. The rain is coming so I am in a funk at this point. I think it also maybe PMS showing up. Oh great.

So here is a rundown of what excitement has happened since last wednesday:

had a busy Thursday-Saturday at work last week
went grocery shopping to the "new" Safeway. They just updated everything, and had mega sampling everywhere, so every free-loader in a 20 mile radius of Safeway was out eating free shit and wouldn't get out of my way.

took my inlaws to the airport on Halloween. So my halloween was spent mostly in my car as an airport shuttle.

Went on a Dog-igloo quest as the pups are getting to be too big for one Dog-igloo, so went to Target, Petco and Wallyworld trying to find the one we purchased originally. Target didn't have any, Petco was way overpriced, so ended up at Wallyworld where I remembered they did have them. Only to have poor Satan go back last night to exchange the one I bought, as there were broken pieces. Motherfuckers.

Took too much Nyquil last night, as I thought I was coming down with a cold, so O.D'ed on it at 6pm, and by 7pm I was fast asleep on the couch. Where I don't even remember getting up and going to bed. But somehow I got there, as that is where I woke up this morning.

Thats it kids. And you wonder why I haven't posted for a week. My life is one bore after another.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Almond Joy's Got Nuts, These Puppies Don't.....

Oh yes, the joys of being nutered. The boys had their bits taken away today. They were so bummed to have to go to the vet this morning. However, this evening they are running around and beating each other up like nothing happened to them this morning.

Interesting thing about modern technology. They don't use good old fashion stitches anymore. Oh no, the boys had their nut sacks sealed with glue. Yes glue. So the vet told me no swimming or taking baths for them for a week. Poor guys and they so enjoy their daily shower, shit, and shave.

I must say that it was chop yer bits of Wednesday today, as when I dropped them off at the vet, there was like 10 plus dogs there for the same thing. Was it an assembly line, one vet makes the incision, next vet takes out the bits, and the third vet is there with the glue.......just hope they don't have convayer belt problems like Lucy and Ethel had!!!!!!!

My blog is worth $11,855.34.
How much is your blog worth?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Don't Waste your $8.00

We ( Satan and his parental Units) went on Saturday to see "old faithful" at the Geysers.......

Uh, yeah. Anyone coming to California, can skip this big rip off if you are anywhere near Calistoga. They also claim to have on site the infamous "fainting goats" fainting, just alot of shitting and eating, and staring at the idiots trying to scare them into fainting.....

Oh and there were Lamas. Like two miles away in a paddock that no one could get to. So if you didn't bring binoculars to look for the Lamas, you are out of your Lama luck.

Old faithful is supposed to erupt every 15 - 25 minutes. Which it did. With some gurgaling from below, some steam rising from the casual rocks placed over the hole....and then, there she blows.....ok, thats what.............

So I told Satan, we will need to set up our own "old faithful" out the back of our house. I will get Satan to stand behind some rocks with a garden hose. Have him fart a few times behind the rocks to shock and awe the spectators, see the steam rise up over the rocks from his ass, and then let the garden hose loose on power soak. Instant Geyser............oh, and while you are here at Satanville, please come and look at the hounds of hell in their pen, they will dazzle you as they poo at random, and chew your fingers off if you put your hands through the slats in the fence.......and if you are really lucky, you may see the next door neighbor's sheep who will stampede at the fence if you bring weeds for them.......

See Satanville = way more fun, at such a reasonable price........your soul....muhahahahahahahhaa!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

$265 + $350 = Bite Me!

Yes, thats $265 for my PG & E bill (thats the electric company for you non Californians) and $350 for the propane tank.

What the Fuck????!!! I am so calling these people tomorrow. Who do they think they are? Do they expect me just to bend over and take it up the ass? All I can say is there will be some major ass kicking going on.....and it won't be my ass that gets it!

Fuckers, think they can take my hard earned money.........

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Spirit Chillin in the sun. Leo is about to end the chillin' session by farting in Spirits face....

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Almost Famous

I started to think of all the "famous" people I have seen over the years....not as many as some (my dear pisser) and not as strange (my dear Mangey) but none the less, here is what I came up with:

Paul Newman- watched my mum fumble in her purse as we stared back at him, my mum oblivious that he was watching....

Joann Worley- nearly became a hood ornament to our car when my dad tried to hit her......he said he wasn't, but yeah, we know better dad!

the author of "Where the Red Fern Grows"- signed my paperback book when I was in 3rd grade...I was thrilled.....I was easily amused back then.....and gee, I still am....go figure...

Tommy Lee-1985 cal expo sacramento, waiving to us screaming stupid chicks from his backstage trailer, as we jumped up and down screaming "tommy!!!!!!""" Mangey nearly missed this, as she was fumbling with her camera at the time...

Taime Downe-Sacramento, Arco Arena- spotted him sitting in the bleachers after FasterPussycat's set....and Mangey dared me to go talk to him......ok, Mangey I will!!! "You Whore" she yelled as I ran off to meet him!

Bret Michaels of Poison- sitting with whores at the Rainbow. Just walked by with my tongue hanging out of my mouth (huminahuminahumina) I so loved him, but alas, he wasn't into pale goth chicks, instead the blonde bimbo won out....whatevah!

C*C* Deville of Poison-watched him and his mum chat about who knows what at LAX.....but it was most amusing watching CC and his wild hand gestures!

Rikki Rocket of Poison- picking up baggage at baggage claim at LAX.....whats up with these Poison boys and the airport??? And where are you Bobby Dall? I haven't seen you yet....

Lemmy-holding up the bar at the Rainbow and trying to pick up on anything that stood next to him......gross Lemmy, no thanks.....

Madonna- bitch cut me off in traffic in LA.

Ben Bratt- walking down the street in SF with some chick, could of been his wife, his affair, his sister, who knows....

Reba MacIntire- shopping at Saks when I was a makeup artist....not very exciting.....

Steve Young (ex-quarterback 49ers) - shopping in the makeup dept at Nordstrom at xmas time, when I worked at the Estee Lauder counter. A huge mob of middle age woman eager to get him to sign something, drove him out of the store......

Robin Zander of Cheap Trick- watched Mangey fumble with her umbrella.....and she wasn't aware of this until I (speachless as I lusted after Mr. Zander for years) tapped her on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of RZ.....(later on stage, he sang to me, and my life was complete....until I heard the whisper of Mangey next to me...."you whore....")

Dogs D'mour- Propping themselves up at the bar at the Stone, many moons ago......

Andy McCoy (from Hanoi Rocks)- walked past Mangey and I on the streets of London.....we both squeeled Andy McCoy!!!! ( No, you Whore, from Mangey, this was my Pre Whore self....)

Lars Ulrich (Metallica) - stopped to sign our "Vain" stickers on top of Mangeys killer chevet. How humilating for him it must of been at the time, stupid chicks who were there to see a glam band asking Mr. Metallica for an autograph!!

and of course countless times I have been to concerts and seen bands however the few memorable ones:

Michael Monroe at the Omni, where I nearly fell out of the balcony on top of him, yes, Mangey was yelling "you Whore!!"

Guns N' Roses- in Sacramento, where I ended up sitting onstage underneath Axl's microphone and being pelted with drumsticks from Steve Adler....(with Mangey next to me, shouting, you guessed it, "you Whore!

Sisters Of Mercy- at the Warfield, that show just kicked ass...complete ass!

Simply Red- at the Warfield, yeah I know where does Simply Red fit in, but it rocked, and I was able to scream to Mangey, "you Whore" as Mick Hucknell sang to her!!

Kiss and Wasp- my first ever concert in Sacramento, you always remember your first show man, so young, so impressionable, and I had screamed my lungs out before Wasp finished their set......

LA Guns- The Stone, where both Mangey and I kept yelling at each other, "you Whore!"........

oh yes, those were the days.........

Monday, October 10, 2005

We Hate Love, We Love Hate

These are a few of my most hateful things:

waking up to dark mornings
waking up to a cold dark morning
people that can't drive and think they can
stupid people
ugly stupid people
phat ugly stupid people
Walmart shopping
shoppers at Walmart
phat ugly stupid walmart shoppers
bratty children
children that think they are cute, but really just need to be slapped
stupid people with their children that they think are cute who just need to be slapped
having to put gas in my car
folding laundry
my ex boss
people that say: Hate is a very strong word.

Yeah, thats why I use it.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Everyone Must Suffer Now......

How cranky can one be when one is pms'd? Oh so very cranky am I. And if I am pissed off for no reason, then everyone will join me. And its worse when there are peeps around me that don't realize I'm pissed.......release the evil........

However, had a good day out with my mum inlaw, took her to meet my hair stylist who gave her a really cute do, then was off to get a manicure/pedicure, lunch and shopping, followed up by a facial! Chick day, gotta love those chick days!! Feeling much better now, pms has subsided thanks to mass quantity of mood altering drugs.

Boys are still adorable as ever. Satan was home with them today, and took video footage of all the romping in the mud they did. Must say when I got home boys were oh so tired, but still wanting to play, but very slowly.....and Miss Willow also had too much fun as she has pulled something in her leg...doesn't seem to be to serious and she isn't winging or yelping when her back leg is touched....just had too much fun with brothers. And doesn't know when to stop.

Thats all I got. Until tomorrow when the vicious PMS returns......and my wrath will come down on another unsuspecting individual...heh heh heh...........

Monday, October 03, 2005

House at Poo Corner

The boys are home!!!!!!!! Here is a photo of them inspecting their new digs, including the pissing rock. They still squat at the moment, but I'm sure it will be only a matter of time before they are pissing on everything, so Satan thought the rock would come in handy for aim practice.
(don't know if he will be out there using it as well?)

We have officially named them. Spirit and Leo. Spirit thinks he is a bad ass and beats up on his brother Leo. They love their sisters. Willow is a complete idiot around them. Go figure. The precious has put Spirit in his place, and just kinda ignores Leo, as he is a wuss like big sis Willow.

This morning when I got up to check on them, their pen was wall to wall poo. What did you guys do last night? Have a poo party and invite some other pups in town to the party? Gross. I hate picking up poo. Its the one thing about having dogs I hate. So tonight Satan gets poo duty. I did enough of it this morning. And of course the little shits haven't done a thing since he's been home. Men. They always stick together.......

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Boys and Their Poo......

Left work early today to go and see my little guys. How cute are they? Ok, Spirit is definitely a Spirit, and so will be like Ghostie when he is older, full of mischief.....the other little guy who is still nameless, is going to be such a mama's boy. When I got into their pen with them today, he just came over and curled up under my legs, and was so huggy and cuddly......just love them.....however, I was covered in poo when I left. As their pen had poo in it, they had poo on their feet, which in turn got all over me. So of course when I got home had to shower immediately. Their sisters of course wanted to know where I had been, as they could smell their brothers. But couldn't stop for the sniff, as the poo smell was just too gross. 4 days to love them!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Mama's Boys

So, we never made it down to where Billy Wilder was, however, on Saturday, I had a feeling I needed to go to the local Humane Society in town,......and what did we find, not one, but two boys!
They are both brothers, 8 weeks old! There is a total of six of them at the shelter, but because Satan and I couldn't decide, we got two of them. They get to come home this coming Sunday, as they are still on watch for any worms, or other oddities puppies may have. They will also both be getting snipped soon too.

We are still trying to decide on names. The white/tan one we have thought of calling him Spirit, as he looks very much like he is malamute. The other little guy, is still waiting for a name. I was thinking of Bear. So any other names are greatly appreciated.

So as you all can imagine, I so can't wait for Sunday to arrive.........

Friday, September 23, 2005

Ok, Just A Quickie, Now.......

Just a quickie, as I am heading out for a much needed hair coloring appointment.

Yesterday, my alarm didn't go off, so I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave for a 3 hour drive to a training. FUCK! So I was able to wash face, slap something that I thought was makeup on, and put my hair in ponytail, I even laundry basket dove for clothes (?) thats what happens when woken out of a sleep and needing to drive......

Saw old evil boss, evil as ever, biyatch! However, wasn't able to do anything to me, so she was deflated in her wanting to bitch at me....ha ha.

And last but not least, way too much chocolate in this house due to inlaws arriving, I feel by the end of the weekend I shall have gained a good 20 pounds just by breathing in all the chocolate fumes....
Oh yeah, my colds gone, but now Satan has it..........and you know what Satan is like when he has a cold, he turns into bambino Satan.........good job his mummy's to get my hair done now! Ta TA!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Great Green Globs of Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts

Now I am sounding like an old gross man. The cold has moved into my chest, and I am coughing up gross brown and green globs....mmmm, yummy. But the hack I am doing before it comes up would rival any old man in a nursing home and their demon cough.

Tomorrow my inlaws arrive, for six weeks. Satan and I are thinking of little trips to have them go on. However, their being here plays nicely into getting another dog. As they would be able to look after him or her during the "adjusting" period. See I am always trying to find ways to work it. And this just might work. Satan was also thinking this as well, see evil minds think alike.

So my st00pid esthetic license still hasn't arrived. Motherfuckers. So I reluctantly went online to find how much it was to send off for a duplicate license. Looks like it is only $10.00, so I sent in the form plus my ten bucks, so they better send something this time. I am just tired of dealing with the idiots on the phone who don't have an answer for me, and tell me they will get back to me....yeah right. So as usual, I am taking matters into my own hands. So you know, the st00pid original license will show up this week, right? Figures..................

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Fashion Victim #45

Oh yeah, my fashion don't is at number 45 on this list! I was impressed that pale pasty face and black clothing made the list.....but then again, I am on the don't list!

While I was being a couch potatoe today, as I have had a cold for the last 3 days, I was channel surfing between the TV Guide channel with the emmy red carpet show featuring everyone's favorite plastic surgery victim, Joan Rivers and her freak of a daughter and E!'s red carpet show, with that cow Star Jones......well the E! show finished first and so the do's and don't were on next...couldn't help but to sit and watch in all my laundry day fashions glory!

So you can imagine how estatic I was to see the "Goth" look with clips of my darlink Marilyn, Angelina when she went goth for a sec, Elvirah herself, not to mention a ton of clips from the under 18 group of was rather amusing.....

Oh yeah, and then had to turn over to vh1 to catch the last episode of the reality show portion of Rockstar: Inxs. It is down to Marty, JD, and Mig. Marty creeps me out as he looks just like a freaky old boyfriend of mine, except mine had black spikey hair, other than that, dead on,...JD needs to stop tweezing his eyebrows like a girl, and Mig, well Mig is just too cute....however, I do like them all, so we will have to see on Tuesday who INXS picks. I'm rooting for Mig, just cuz' he is too cute and sweet for words. Although I think JD fits more. (Could it be he tries to be like Michael Hutchance, or is that really natural?)

I think I have had too much time on my hands with this cold, that I am actually having this kind of debate with the voices in my head...........

Friday, September 16, 2005

Meet Billy. He Likes Long Walks, Good Conversation, and Likes to Cuddle....

This is Billy Wilder. He is currently at the Sonoma Humane Society. How Cute is he!!!
Satan and I are starting to look for another pupster to join the coven! So I have been going on line to the local shelters to see who is around. And I came across Billy today. It says he is about 3 years old (which would be the same age as Willow) Says he is a Rotweiler/sheperd mix.

He is just the cutest little guy (next to you Animas George!) So I will have to show him to Satan tonight when he gets seems Billy has been hangin at the shelter since June...poor guy. It also says on his info he likes to cuddle. Now how can you a resist a guy that likes to cuddle...........

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

So the "precious" today decides to kick the dog next door's ass through the fence......don't ask how she did it, but she did.

I think it may have been her sliding feet of fury into the fence line that did it. However, she didn't go unscathed. Notice the scabby nose.

She is so proud of her nose. She is so looking forward to doing more of her kung fu tomorrow on the other dog next door.

In other strange sightings today, as I am in my car stopped in a line of other cars for road construction. I look in my rearview mirror. There is this middle aged woman, hair all perfect for going to work, makeup all just perfect, wearing earrings and necklace....looks like she is going to the she is sitting there in her car primping herself in her rearview mirror, she suddenly starts pickin her nose! Not just a dainty pick, oh no, she was pickin' a winner for sure! I think I saw her knuckle disappear into the nasal cavity........too bad I didn't have my camera!

And then as I am having lunch with my old work bud, (who is now a facial client!) we are lookin out the window and we are fascinated by the dude havin a full on conversation with the pavement. Don't know if the pavement was answering him back, but it was rather a heated discussion he was having.

Being that it looks like there is a full moon ahead on Sunday, we have only just begun......

Monday, September 12, 2005

Hummingbird Crack........

This is all I have today. These hummingbirds at my house are taking over. And this is just a small mob. I have little sugar junkies bombarding me as I go out on to the back deck if their feeders are out of the juice.

I can hear them chattering in the trees right now. They are saying, "hey beeeoootcchh, our feeders empty, we be needin the sug juice! Get out here and bring us our supply!"

Nice knowing you all, I'm off to be the hummingbird's sugar bitch.........

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Time has come to a stand still here in my office. Clock on the wall is stuck at 3:50. Don't know if it was a.m., or p.m. though........its really sad watching the second hand trying to move forward, but alas, going nowhere.........anyway...............

So a few posts ago I wrote about having to go to partys where I don't know anyone....and how I loathe it....well my coven friends, karma always comes back to kick me up the ass......I found out today that I WASN'T INVITED to a "beauty school reunion party" where all my fellow beauty school esthetic graduates went too......

Oh, no, we can't invite that pasty white vampyre back here.....mmmmmHmmmmm! Now I know how you really feel about if I would have gone to that stupid party....."I got my OWN stuff to to do ANYWAY!!!!!! (to be read in a Nancy Spungen voice from the film, Sid and Nancy)

May I add, that I am the only one of my fellow grads that has a job in the esthetic world anyway...other than a couple of them who got jobs as receptionists for a couple of spas...(you went to beauty school and all that torture, to be a fuckin receptionist?? what the fuck??) And that only 5 of us out of my grad. class actually passed the state board.........

yeah, thats right.....don't invite me ya LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I will get my just desserts in the end!!!!!!!!

Yeah, whatever, I wouldn't have gone anyway, as I had a full day of "real" clients to attend to.....I would have just liked to have been then TURN YA DOWN! HA! What do ya think about that????????????????

Can someone say, Vampy is a little bit pms'd this week?

Monday, September 05, 2005

Possessed By My Father

Tonight I think I really out did Satan on the swearing. Thats what happens when I spill my drink all over my desk......and I am trying to help him make up his brochures for his upcoming Sonoma Home Show. It was most amusing seeing Satan run around not knowing what to do as I was yelling my lungs out! MotherFuckerSonOfABitch! GodDamnIt! ForFucksSake!! And then he comes running in with a stream of paper towels, then runs out again, dodging the magazines, unpaid bills and other shit I was slinging off my desk!

However, I can't help this swearing. I believe I am possessed by my dad, and he would be ever so proud. Mum on the other hand would not be. Satan said I was swearing so loud he thinks our neighbors heard....and as we live out in the middle of nowhere, I must have been pretty loud.

So other than yelling at the top of my lungs over spilt water, I also have an aching back...(where is that Mangey when you need her most) from pulling weeds in my veggie patch this weekend. And can I just say how I hate those fuckin' squirrels who have totally eaten all the good veggies. They even ate my green peppers. Squirrels eating peppers. Is there such a thing? There must be. They have also eaten all of my cucumbers, and have started in on the strawberries. Fuckers. Who ever said squirrels were cute, must never have been a gardner.

And to make matters worse, one must of died under our deck, as we also had flies and the stench of a dead thang. Unless, I had an unexpected Vampyre visitor who had taken up residence over the weekend. Didn't he know he was welcome in the house? Maybe he too had had enough of my swearing!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Call of the Wild

After reading Ms. Bees Knees blog, I saw on her side bar the website of the humane society for the animals in need from the hurricane.

Feeling helpless all week watching the news, I have been wanting to do something. Giving blood is not in a vampyre's capasity when such large doses are needed. I was wanting to send money, but where will it go exactly.....

So when cruzin' the Bees Honey Hive, and I saw the address, I understood where I had to donate. So if any of you out there who like me, are feeling like you don't know what to donate and just where to, and are also a massive animal lover.

The animals have no clue what is going on, I saw the little pony farm on the news last night where several ponies have died, so sad, and they have run out of hay.

Just thought for us animal lovers we could help the ones who truly can't help themselves during times like these.

The Humane Society relief fund for animals of the hurricane

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Wrapped in Plastic..........

I escaped Jury duty. Which would have been kinda cool to do, if I was still with a company that I could be on salary for. However, now being a Self Employed kinda chick, I can't take time off for frivolities such as Jury Duty.

I would have been able to sit in on a MURDER trial too. Of all the dumb luck....why was it when I was on salary and got called for jury duty, all the good trials went to the others, and I just got to sit in a room with 200 other shmucks waiting to see if I would get picked....

And now that I need to work, I get a Death and Distruction trial.....figures......

So anyway, besides my exciting Monday life of hangin at the court house all friggin day waiting for the judge to spare me of my civic duties.......nothing else exciting happening......

Oh yeah, I did a cellulite wrap on a client yesterday....she actually lost some inches too! I got to spread mud all over her, then wrap her in cellophane, then wrap her in a thermal blanket for 20 minutes.....and I got paid for this......quite cool. I took her measurements before and after, and it did show she sweated out those she said she would be back to get a series of these treatments done.....and I charged her $100.00 for one treatment, so a series of 6 treatments....$600.00 to wrap someone in plastic......not to shabby!

And last but not least, I get to see Chicken tomorrow and give her a facial! Should be quite the day, as then Mz. Liz shall be joining in on the facial fun, as her appt. is at 3pm tomorrow! See, Jen, I could fit you in for a bikini wax tomorrow too! As I am now the bikini wax queen, as I seem to be doing Bikini waxes every other day now!

Saturday, August 27, 2005


I hate going to parties that I don't know anyone, except for Satan. I have stranger anxiety problems. Tonight we (or should I say Satan) has been invited to a birthday party for one of his customers. I just get to tag along being I am "the wife".

It wouldn't be soo bad, if I knew another person, and if I was comfortable in my "own" skin around strangers. I hate the whole, hi, how are you, who are what do you do? How do you know _____, oh your Satan's wife...... Crap that comes with meeting people at parties. I absolutely hate small talk. If I don't know you, I am not the person to just start talking just to talk. It could be because half the time, I just don't care enough to get to know these people. I will never see them again, and it is a waste of time.

Liz said to use it as a good marketing tool for my biznezz. However, that means I have to talk to these people, and of course today, the hermit in me just wants to stay home. But of course this would make Satan upset, as I have blown so many of these parties off before, that I really can't do it again to the poor lad. Satan, unlike me, is very outgoing, loves to go to parties and mingle. I can say this is about the only thing, we really are total opposites on.

So I was thinking I could make some shit up....Have my whole persona created, and if I am totally a freak (which wouldn't be a stretch) I wouldn't be invited to these again.

So what is my story.....

Question 1
so how do you know -----(person who's party this is),
Me: "oh, I don't....I am just really good at breaking into gated communities. And I cracked this gate code. And I saw free food."

Question 2
"So what do you do?"
Me: " Oh, I am a klepto....I also like to steal things from rich people's houses. And when I am not doing that, I like scaring little children..........."

Question 3
So you are Satan's wife, how long have you guys known each other?
Me: "Oh, I am really not his wife, I'm just his whore..."

Question 4
Great party don't you think?
Me: "no, this party sucks! I'm going home!"

Oh yeah, hopefully, this is the last party I will be invited to!!!

And I took this from Mz. Bunny's blog:

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bad Moon On The Rise

I think the moon being full last Friday definitely is having a ripple affect this week. I am getting the freaks coming out to visit me.

Oh yes, I am not immune to it now that I am self employed....where I used to work with a wacked out bi polar freak, I now have them coming into to get their makeup done.

Seems that although I have been doing makeup for 15 years....I was told the other day, that "it didn't look like you knew what you were doing...." one psycho told me....
Thats nice, freak....being that you had your eyes closed the whole time I was doing your makeup....I didn't know you could see me.....(and if you did, you would have seen me flippin you off!)

I was also stood up by a bride. Funny how when I was driving to do her makeup, the "runaway bride" came to mind.......found out today, she didn't like the consultation I gave her the other day, so instead of saying, I perfer to do my own makeup, she decides to stand me up.

What is with people? Why can't people say it to my face? Both of these people had to either leave me a message on my machine, or tell someone else, who then could tell me. Do I really look that weird that if you tell me how you really feel to me, I will kill you? If you say it nicely mind you, you maybe spared!

You know, I won't be offended if you don't like the way I do your makeup. Just look at my makeup in my photo on the you think, I would be upset? And of course I didn't do there makeup like that, but one would have thought by the way they were so upset, that I had.

So the one who said I didn't know what I was doing, now left me another message, wanting her money back. I am on the fence with this, as I feel her money "energy" is giving me bad ju ju now. And you know how superstitious I can be........

Monday, August 22, 2005


I found out today just how heartless I really am. Does this shock me. Not really. Just confirms what I always knew.

My oldest sister called me today, saying that our Grandmother has gone insane. Insane by means of has sudden on set of Alsheimers....whatever you want to call it, she is insane. The other night my grandmother was hitting my sister for no reason, other than the fact, she didn't want to go to bed. She also has been saying she needs to go to the police because Joy is missing. Ok, my mum has been dead for 2 1/2 years, yeah nana, she is missing.

My sister tells me that Nana's mood swings are getting worse and worse and she is just angry and nasty, and misearble all the time. Oh yeah, Nana will be 92 years old in 4 months.

Now most people would be upset by this story. However, I'm not. But then again I am not like most people. And neither are my two sisters, as they are not upset either. Frustrated, yes, upset no.

You see my grandmother has been miserable all her life. She was evil to my mum when she was alive telling her half the time that she was fat (which she wasn't), she told her this as she was growing up as well, she would yell at Mangey and say her mean things to her and Rantboy. She has always treated me like I was 2 years old and breakable. To my oldest sister, she hasn't been that evil to that I know of, but now even she is getting the rath of Grandmother. Oh yeah, did I fail to mention that when my Grandfather was alive they would yell and shout at each other, and either end up beating each other up, or throwing things at each others heads. I remember as a child, my grandmother stayed with us because her back went out. This woman was so nasty, that even my father wouldn't come home until she was out of our house.

My memories of my Grandmother are not of sweet grandmothers baking pies and doing grandmotherly my grandmother would shove money into our hands as away of being affectionate, and then hide us in the basement because her "friends" were over and didn't want her "friends" to see what losers her family were.

So when I hear she is going insane, and will probably be put on serious meds in the next day or two, and may even be committed somewhere.....I have no emotion.

If I do it is just a sadness of just hearing about another person fallen victim to this awful Alsheimers disease. But I am a big believer in Karma. And all the nasty, hateful things my grandmother did while she was young, is coming back to bite her on the ass in the biggest way.....

Friday, August 19, 2005

Don't Trust This Dog With Bedding......

Don't let her cute puppy dog eyes fool you. She is evil. And hates bedding.
Tuesday she had to be left inside all day as the electric meter reading guy came by and had to get into the backyard. So doggie door was shut off to puppsters.

She wasn't happy about this. So she decided to chew up the bedding, and Satan was home first to discover the shreds of stuffing from the bedding all over the house. Needless to say, when I got home she was locked outside by her loansome. And so very much in trouble.

I told Satan that it wasn't really her fault as she was locked in all day, and she must have gone a little stir crazy. So of course me being a softy to all things puppy, I forgave her.

Foolish me.

As when Satan got home tonight, before me, AGAIN, she had shredded the bedding.
Don't know how much trouble she was in this eve, as Satan, I think just couldn't be bothered to deal with her.

So I go into the bedroom, point at the bed, and say, "you know better....."
Big puppy dog eyes look at me, ***blink, blink*****
"Willow, what did you do.....???"
Puppy dog eyes, ****blink, blink****

Now if she could have pointed her dog toe in the direction of her sister, she would have.
"Willow, you aren't blaming this on your sister who is way to old to jump up on the bed..."
Puppy dog eyes, ***blink, blink*****
Looks again at her sister........
Puppy dog eyes, ***blink blink.......*** tucks head down, goes thru dog door, turns around and stares....***blink blink*****

Yeah, I am real good at disciplining my children.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Driving While Stupid

To the idiot drivers in front of me on my way to work:

Do you realize you are going 10 miles slower than the speed limit in the fast lane?
Do you realize I am behind you and want you to pull over?
Why must you apply your makeup in the rearview mirror at 60 miles an hour?
Why must you take out your brush, and brush your hair while driving?
Why must you read your newspaper?
Why are you driving with your knees?
Why are you still driving when you can't see over the steering wheel?
Are you the oldest man alive?
Have your legs been cut off at the knees and you can't step on the gas?
Are you swerving in the lane because you like to cause motion sickness, or because your drunk, or because you just spilled hot coffee on your lap?
Why must you slow down every time we pass an on ramp? You are in the fast lane you know.....
Why is it that when I pull around you and get back in the fast lane, I catch up with your idiot brother in the next car ahead of you?
Do you have me on hidden camera and know exactly when I will be leaving my house, so you can get infront of me at exactly the right time?
Why must you put "have you been saved yet" bumper stickers on your vehicle?
Do you think I need saving?
Will you ever use your rearview mirror?

These are just a few questions that go through my head, that I was wondering if you would be able to answer for me, as you seem to be going nowhere and have all the time on your hands!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Downward Spiral

There is a reason I try and stay out of world and local news.

Because, watching the news is just disgusting. When you watch the BBC World news, and they show all the death and distruction of what is going on in the rest of the world......then you turn it over to the local news. What the fuck kind of shit is this?

They show a tad bit on the shit going down between the Israelis and thats some fucked up shit.....and then the next story is about a school here in northern Cal, where the students "may" have to start wearing name badges to school. And they interview this pathetic 16 year old talking about her rights, and how it is demeaning to wear a name badge.......WHAT?????

Are you serious? Stupid ignorant girl, do you realize that when you get out of your crap school and into your first demeaning job, they WILL make you wear a name tag....with a Hello my name is....before it. And from there your name tag will just get better and better, you may get one with a big smiley face on it telling us you are rolling back prices, you may get an upscale name badge if you are lucky and spray perfume in peoples may scream for your name badge back, when the next job you get only recognizes you by a number.....And you are saying you have rights? PLEASE!!! You are six-fucking-teen years old....your parents own have no rights......go talk to the Israelis about rights, you stupid little girl......

Oh yeah, and the closing, most important story of the night, less we forget, is Madonna falling off her horse on her 47th birthday.....I guess you didn't drink enough Kaballah water today......or maybe you are thinking you did, because if you didn't you may have ended up like Chris Reeves. happy fucking birthday to you.

Fuck the news.....

Monday, August 15, 2005

Beware: Spirits Hiding Art at IKEA

So here is one of the wall art pieces I purchased at IKEA. I can't find the HUGE one of the rocks and sea that I got, so I will have to take a photo of it once it is up in my place to show you all.

However I thought the flowers were kinda cool. And the three of them come attached, and they were only like $4.00

The picture I really really wanted, of course they didn't have......figures....

It was a sepia kind o texture and it was of this road with big trees lining it.....It was cool.

Don't know how the rocks and sea will look on the wall. It reminded me of something my mum would have loved. She was a beachy kinda chick anyway, so I know she would have approved....maybe that is how I ended up with it. As she didn't like the pic of the road with trees. So she cunningly hid them from me....spirits have away with doing this kinda stuff. Especially cunning ones, like mum!

Wall of Tranquility

So today I will be going to IKEA.......I have never been. My friend thinks it is the most amazing place in the world.

I hear they serve breakfast for $1.99. I love breakfast, so she hooked me in. I hear there is just rows and rows of Swedish furniture. Everywhere.

I am actually looking for some art work for my wall at work. I have one completely bare wall that makes me angry. Yes I get angry at walls, this is the kinda weirdo I am. Anyway, I am hoping IKEA holds the key to my Angry wall, and it will become the wall of Tranquility soon.

I hear IKEA does have alot of Craptacular furniture that falls apart? Or is that just a rumor. Like I said, as I am an IKEA virgin at the moment, I have no clue what I am in for.

I am just there for the breakfast. And the hope that I will find the Wall of Tranquility..........

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Respect. To Mangey. And all those other Massage Therapists out there. Today, I did a 2 hour body treatment, and by the time I was done, I was soooo exhausted, and I didn't even do half the work a Massage Therapist does.

However, I must say I am getting alot of inquires on my body treatments. I have it as my Treatment of the month for August, and I am getting bookings for this! But if I can get my arms buff like Mangeys from doing massage, then it is well worth it! It also makes my bank account happy!

So I must say that my biznez is starting to grow...and that makes me happy. Happy that I can do this on my own, I don't need no stinkin boss tellin me what to do. I am starting to get referrals from people that have seen me for facials in the last month...pretty damn cool. cool.

However, the one down side of all the fuckin laundry I am having to do......I need to invest in more I ran out today after the body treatment, not a good thing, when I had a few other people interested in appointments for today....but was able to schedule them for next, that reminds me, I got go change the laundry over......

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Don't Leave Me Hangin On The Telephone.....

I am driving to work yesterday when I get a call on my cell phone.

"uh yes, harro"........the voice on the other end says in a high pitch squeeky voice....
"uh yes, this is .......(static on line)....calling from China....and I want to know if you want to sell products......"
"uh yes, this .....(still can't hear what the fuck her name is) from China....we want you to represent us......"
"uh.....I think you have the wrong number...."
"oh.....this is...(still can't hear her...) from China.........."
" " me, not saying anything....
"oh, herro, this (@#*^%%*) calling from China....."
"Thats nice......" click....

What the fuck? Am I now getting crank calls on my cell phone from China?

Then when I am checking my email tonight, I got an email from this woman. Her name is Joy...and she would like me to be a distributor for her skin care line.....and that I met her while in Vegas at the Esthetics show.......

Now, wouldn't it have been easier to tell me this on the phone, instead of saying you are (@$%$^%%&&^&) calling from China and you want me to represent you.....

But I guess she liked me hanging up in her ear so much, that she sent me an email to tell me more about this oddity company she wants me to distribute for her....

And I still don't know who she is....did I give strange Chinease women at the show my cell phone number? Hmmmm.....maybe I did, and wasn't aware of this..... hmmm, maybe this is one of those things that should of stayed in Vegas, but has come out to haunt me?........

Monday, August 08, 2005

Am I Buggin' Ya?

I think I must be attractive to insects...for the past week I keep being harrassed by them. So of course I have gone to my animal wise books to see what it all means here is an over view of the past weeks bug related events:

Tuesday: Walking into work, stop by front desk to chat with hairdresser, when I feel something all fluttery fluttery on my leg....its in my pants....I swat at it....and suddenly feel...asting.......... now I am smashing at whatever is in my pants....shake pant leg, and out falls a crushed bee...
Owww, my knee is stinging the fuck did it get up there.... anyway look up bee in my book here is what it says:

bees are a long time symbol for accomplishing the impossible. For many years, scientists were unable to determine how bees were able to fly. The body was too large for the wings. It has only been in more recent times that science has determined that bees move their wings at such a high rate of speed that it makes flight possible. The stinger is often seen as a phallic symbol (ok...what does that have to do with my knee?) Most bees only sting once. There is a barb attached to the stinger, which pulls the stinger off when used. The queen can sting more than once, but it only fights when another queen is born. The bee is the reminder to extract the honey of life and to make our lives fertile while the sun shines....

Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday: Ants. They keep showing up everywhere....First I thought they were trying to give a sign to Satan as they had gotten into his stuff the other week, but he ignored them and they went they decided to bug (ha!) here is the over view on Ants:

The ant has long been a symbol of work and industry. Ant teaches us that regardless of circumstances, if the effort is true, the rewards will follow, in the most benefical time and manner. Ant is the promise of success through effort.....

Friday: Moth. How I hate moths. They seem to be attracted to my face...I think because I am always wearing black, and my face is so white, they make a bee line for it. So again, at work, one comes flying into my room, and heads for my face! And this moth is huge! So I turn the light out hoping it will leave, but no, it just keeps fluttering at my head......

When Moth persist in flying around you, a letter will shortly be coming your way bringing important news...The size of moth often dertermines the size of the letter and the importance of the news. Moth totems and messengers usually indicate an awakening sense of smell. It will be the fragrance of the opoosite sex that will most attract and disccourage. Trusting in one's own outer and inner sense of smell will be important in relationships.

Sunday: Spider. I was sitting out by the pond with Satan, when he reaches over and pulls out a spider off the top of my head! "is this a friend of yours?" he says......AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Spider teaches you to maintain a balance, between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Spider teaches you that everything you now do is weaving what you will encounter in the future. In the tarot deck is a card- the wheel of fortune. This is a card that has to do with rhythms- the rise and fall, the flow and flux. It is linked to the energies of honor and fame, and the sensitivites necessary to place ourselves within the rhythm of Nature. The spider awakens creative sensibilities. It weaves a web of intricate and subtle fabric, as if to remind us that the past always subtly influences the present and future. Spider reflects much about how to express the creative energies, weave your creative threads in the dark and then when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty. Spider can teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that words weave a web around those who would read them.

Ok, so this means that I need to accomplish the impossible with my trusty phallic symbol, if I keep working and be industrious, I will have success, I should be receiving a letter in the mail (hopefully, my state board license that still hasn't shown up!) and that I need to smell good for Satan, and last but not least I need to awaken my creative energies...... sure not a problem, now am I supposed to do all of this in a day, over a week, the next month.....when????

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Goth Child in the City...Runnin Wild and Lookin Pretty....

Weird Photo week continues......

What I want to know is....what makeup was I using...I worked for Estee Lauder at the time...and I do believe it was Estee Lauder makeup! Who would of thought I could of been the face of Goth Lauder! Did Estee realize she had invented a makeup for us???

New York hi society miss wears same makeup as Haight Street Goth at 11.........

Most amusing.....

Oh, in other news.......I had a first today! I got to wax my first tweeker! It was great...I would of taken photos...but didn't have my camera...

Didn't know if she was flinching because of the pulling of the wax....or if it was just her having a tweeker moment....oh the fun I have at work...all I can say is it IS never boring!

Now if only Mangey was in biznez wit me, I could of sent tweeker over to get a massage, as we all know how Mangey lurves massaging crusty tweeker ass!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Big Bulbus Head

Weird picture week continues......this may not look too weird....however, this was the second day after meeting Satan for the first time....... I always think this photo is funny, as Satan's shirt pretty much sums up what it looks like he is thinking...

However, his full shirt read, "fuck helmets".....but I think "Fuck" says it all.... I think I will make it my new work shirt....

Oh yeah, second oddity of this photo, is my big bulbus head! What is that all about? Was I really turning into Nosferatu??

In this photo, you can also tell what Satan would look like with short hair, as we can't see his ponytail....

And last oddity (although there maybe plenty more)....why is it that after 13 years of this photo being taken, Satan looks exactly the same there as he does now?? And me, I have morfed into many different odd looking things over the years....why does Satan stay the same??

Oh yeah, and if you are interested the answers to the previous post are:
1. c
2. a
5. a

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Smells Like Children......

In keeping the theme this week of weird pictures.....I give you this truely bazzar moment in history...this is circa 1993......ok, so please take the following quiz:

What am I holding?
a. Lunch
b. dinner
c. a light snack

what is wrong with this picture:
a. I am holding an evil spawn
b. I am wearing nude nail polish
c. there is a hideous looking pink knit thing behind me.

what is evil spawn thinking:
a. wholy shit, I am vampyre food!
b. get it away, get it away!!! dear god, get it away!!!!..
c. if I don't look maybe it will go away....

what was I thinking?
a. will I wake from this nightmare soon?
b. thank god this thing isn't mine....
c. Yeah, I ain't too thrilled to be holding you either....

What did Mangey say moments before while holding evil spawn?
a. I could crush your head right now......
b. you smell.....
c. here, you hold it Vampy, I want to take a fuckin hilarious picture!

and last but not least, Why do I look like my mother in this photo?
a. I am her daughter. DUH!
b. its the eyebrows and the hair.....
c. one day, we all look like our mothers...................

Monday, August 01, 2005

Tales From the Crypt.....

Nothing new to say, so thought I would post a photo of me and Scotty. Yes, I am giving Scotty a piggy back ride through a cemetery.....thats what you do when you are bored in the middle of the night, and Mangey has a camera to capture the festivities.... after seeing the cemetery photo on Mangey's blog, made me start thinking of my cemetery days.....or should I say nights....?

What was I wearing is what I want to know, I see my skull boots I had on, and my cropped black pants...but it looks like I am wearing a tuxedo vest....under a denim jacket??? Well, all I can say is I do believe this was bad 80's fashions had to be done...............

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Time To Take Matters Into My Own Hands.......

Went to check the mail State Board said by today I would get my mailbox and what do I water bill, my garbage bill, my best buy bill, and my bill statement from Mac Cosmetics that I just ordered on line........nothing else......FUCK!

Wheels in my head start turning.....theres got to be another way to find out....hmmm, wonder if the state board website has a listing of licenses on line......hmmmmmm........go to website.....oh look, they do, click.........hmmm, input name of would you look at that:

as of July 8, 2005

Mother Fuckers! All this waiting, and I fuckin Passed, and you wouldn't even tell me!!!

So, even though I still have no "official" fuckin piece o paper that has my mug shot on it with my license number, at least I know I can let people go to the website if they need to verify that I am for real.........

So congratulations to me, I am a licensed Esthetician!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Happy Birthday Mangey Cur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to you.....Happy Birthday dear Mangey Cur ....Happy Birthday to you!!!!! And Many More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought everyone should be able to celebrate Mangey's Birthday with some gifts! Here is a fab photo of when she was known as "Kat Klaw"........look at that hair, how white, so big! Lita Ford would be proud! Uh Huh, it is a Big Thang! Looking on the back of the photos, this was circa April can just here the Glam Metal Tunes blaring during this photo shoot can't you.....whats that I hear, some Hanoi Rocks coming out of the Killer Chevet? Why yes, yes it is.......

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Don't Bother To Resist Or I'll Wax Ya!

Yesterday.....All my troubles seemed so far away........

Sorry couldn't help that....

Anyway, Yesterday, I took a class in Speed Waxing.....Yes, Speed Waxing.......

Is it anything like Speed Reading, Speed Racer, or just plain on Speed while Waxing....

Actually, it is the most painful fucking thing I have ever done.

We (the students of this class) had to come to class with 4 weeks worth of hair growth. So as you can imagine all of us wooly mammoths were eagerly wanting to get the excess body hair off....Until we started the coarse...Then it was like, fuck this, get me a razor NOW!!!!!

My friend and I were partners for this class...And I was the guinea pig who went first...Oh my fucking god! The pain of being speed waxed was so bad, I didn't realize at the time, but I was clenching my butt cheeks so bad that I was giving myself trapped gas! By the time lunch came along, I thought my stomach was going to explode! It was like when you have had Mexican food, some sort of carbonated beverage, and you are wearing control top panty hose....Where you just can't believe you have done this to yourself....Your stomach is like ready to explode with the alien baby inside of you.....This is how my stomach felt by the time we went to lunch....Hunger pains, trapped air, clenched buttocks....Not to mention how my poor legs looked like plucked chicken legs...All red and welty by the time it was over.....Just walking down the street with my pants touching my legs was sheer agony.

My friend didn't understand....She hadn't been my victim yet...That was after lunch.....Oh yes, and the torture was all MINE!!! muh hahahahahahahahha!!! She didn't think it was going to be so bad, she thought I was just being a wus. But as soon as I started ripping ( oh yes, I did have my Marilyn face.....If you remember from a few posts ago.....) she started howling! She started having to do lamaz breathing...Which I miss took for the sound of the Jason movies...You know, chee chee cha cha..... Which made my ripping away more psychotic!

We then had to do bikini line and under arm...FUCK! I kinda cheated however (yeah, that figures!) and had shaved the night before those areas, as I couldn't take the hairy beast anymore! However my poor friend didn't.....Well, she had lazored her bikini line awhile back, so no hair was there, however her underarm hair......Was mine for the taking!

So for all of you that are wondering what is Speed Waxing.....Well, it is where you put all the wax down at once at a pretty fast pace, then put down your wax strip, pull, put wax strip down, pull, put wax strip down, pull......You get the picture now yes??

Lets just say, by the end of the class, I was labeled per usual the trouble maker of the class with my freakish sayings and evil laughter as I ripped away at my friend's waxy areas! However, I still got my little Speed Waxing diploma at the end!

Ok, who's next???

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Pretty Hate Machine

I found out today if I want to stay on an even keel with my mood, I should just stay home. Nothing annoys me when I am home. But as soon as I leave the safety of my driveway.....All hell can break loose, and it usually does.

Where did I go today? To the grocery store. No real biggy there. But for me, my whole mood swings from normal to irate, just by pulling into the parking lot. Is it I just can't handle the fact that so many stupid people live in this world, and they all decide to go grocery shopping the moment I do.....Or is it that I am just easy to piss off. Who knows.

So who did I meet along my ass kicking escapade today? We( I realize I say we when in fact it is just me, however, none of you except maybe mangey, have met the rest of my personalities that live in my head, and "we" like to go shopping) first ran into the woman who has no clue what birthcontrol is and her 6 children leaving Safeway. I nearly ran 3 of them over....Which I am sure she had 3 more for back up at home.....So it really wouldn't have mattered.

Once inside the store I became more annoyed at the sight of the people lined up at the deli counter......They are all standing there with smiles on their faces waiting for their deli meats......Ok why this bothered me I have no clue, but it pissed me off to see shiny happy people ordering deli food. So I maneuvered my cart far far away from the counter..........

I then ran into He Man Woman Hater and his obedient Wife on the bread isle. This type of guy always makes me angry (not to mention the others in my head!) He gave me a dirty look, and I returned it gladly to him.

Turning down the yogurt and cheese isle I run into "I"m The Only One In The Store Woman" who proceeds to use the whole isle for her cart....Why do you do this? Oh yeah, you are the only one in the store...Sorry, forgot for a second.......

Ice Cream Isle.....I'm safe for a minute......As I put my ice cream in the cart, I here "Look I am a Dad taking my son to the grocery store" guy who talks extremely loud to the kid in the basket. Uh, is he deaf? Why are you shouting.......?? Are you letting me know without having to turn around that you are talking to a kid in your basket? I don't care! So stop shouting!

Over to the milk and orange juice I run into the old lady who has been standing there for hours zoning out to the gazillion different kinds of Orange Juice....I try to get the orange juice, I even say excuse me, no response.....................Just aimlessly staring at the orange juice........Ok lady, what ever you are on, I think I may need some soon!

Dog food isle.....I need to pick up some bird seed for my bird feeder....Start to pick up birdseed, and wouldn't ya just know it, the fuckin bag rips and bird seed goes everywhere. Of course no one was on this isle until I rip the bag...................I get dirty looks from impatient woman and another old lady....Yeah, like I meant to rip the bag......fuckers.....So I try and clean it up by scooting the birdseed to one side, so old lady doesn't slip on birdseed and cracks tail bone....But after the look she is giving me, hmmf....Think I will just leave it.......

I am safe in the paper, card, and toothpaste isles......Maybe they know I need a break as my mood swing is now gone from caution to beating someone just because level.......

Then on the soda and chip isle I run into Mr. White trash, his wife crack ho, and grampa no teeth. They too like to have their cart right in the middle of the isle, however I think this is due to the fact that none of them know how to push it correctly. And grampa no teeth has to call out every thing they are putting in their cart, as well as what is going in my

After dealing with exploding chicken in the meat section (don't ask).....I make my way to the veggies just knowing what I will find....And yes, all of the above have gathered to send me over the edge in the veggie isle...................Mother Fuckers.............................. Just get out of my way!

As I am now at the check out, I realize I have gotten in the lane of "I am too High And Mighty For This Job" check out guy, who says nothing to me the whole time (which is nice in away so I don't have to "pretend" to have a witty conversation about everything I am buying) however it is kinda creepy at the same time.

And then the thing that really erks me, is after looking for my name on my check, he looks up, and says, " Thank you Mrs. Satan, do you need help out with your cart?"

Why would I need help out with my cart? You obviously could care a less about my whole exploding bird seed incident when I needed help then, or when the chicken also exploded at me...Or what about helping me maneuver around all these assholes that have come shopping today.....Where were you then????? Oh no, you just want to help me get the Fuck out of your store don't you? Well no fuckin Thanks......I can manage on my own.........

.....And I push my clickity clackity one bad wheel cart out on my own, out into the 100 plus degree heat...........Wondering why me and the voices in my head came out today....................

Thursday, July 21, 2005

And They Call It Puppy Love........

So it turns out my youngest dog, Willow is in LOVE with this you can see from the photo up above, she looks through the fence at it every morning on our walk....he then does come over and she then licks his face and wags her tail like crazy....the horse just lets her do it...he may also be in love with her.....or he just loves short brown dogs.....who knows...but every morning, this ritual takes place.....every morning.......

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Am I in The Right Place?

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

I just wrote this whole blog about my new obsessive compulsive disorder.....went to publish, and realized I just wrote it on MANGEY'S BLOG!!!!!!

Fuck! So as I am a RETARD, I couldn't figure out how to cut and paste it I deleted the whole thing!

So now you will all have to guess what my obssession any of you care.....but I do.....and now I will go and do that instead of trying to recreate my words of pure hilarity.....they will be forever vanished unless any of you were reading Mangeys blog for a mere 2 seconds before I got rid of it!

Help Mangey....I really think I am getting Dimentia! Whats my name again?

Monday, July 18, 2005

For The Love Of Shoes.....

Ok, so my shopping around town didn't fare to well....but that is to be expected as I live in a small town with zero good what am I left to do.........but go online of course to the Nordstrom yearly sale!!!! And oh yes, I bought some shoes!!

However, they weren't boots that I normally get, as maybe this 105 degree weather isn't making boot buying that much fun....instead I got these.......and these....... the first ones in grey/lavender, and the other ones in black...of course.....

Oh yeah, then after that, I went and bought some spa stuff on line too......did I buy makeup???? Hmmm, I think I did....or did I?? I just can't remember......

And I still need to get Mangey a pressie as next week is her birthday.....(July 29th) .....gee does that mean I need to go look for more things.......hmmm..........mangey do you need shoes???

Snoozin, On a Monday Afternoon

Ok, Mondays just aren't the same anymore.....I am no longer pissed off at the world having to talk to the evil boss on our conference calls.....

My day started by after seeing Satan off to work, going back to bed and sleeping....then taking the dogs on their walk.....drinking coffee on the back deck........and the most stressful thing so far....doing the laundry! So what is left on the agenda for the day:

going to the bank to deposit my bonus I got from my ex-job that arrived in the mail on Saturday.

going to buy some new shoes.........buying toothpaste for Satan, (who neglected to tell me he needed more when I went to Safeway on Saturday) and no, he doesn't use my toothpaste, as he hates the taste of regular toothpaste, so for Satan, I have to buy evil spawn bubble gum flavored toothpaste!

Yeah, the day looks rough.......think I may need to take a nap around 2, just to slow down this hectic pace I seem to be in!

Oh, and Jen, how are your legs today???