Pretty Hate Machine

I found out today if I want to stay on an even keel with my mood, I should just stay home. Nothing annoys me when I am home. But as soon as I leave the safety of my driveway.....All hell can break loose, and it usually does.

Where did I go today? To the grocery store. No real biggy there. But for me, my whole mood swings from normal to irate, just by pulling into the parking lot. Is it I just can't handle the fact that so many stupid people live in this world, and they all decide to go grocery shopping the moment I do.....Or is it that I am just easy to piss off. Who knows.

So who did I meet along my ass kicking escapade today? We( I realize I say we when in fact it is just me, however, none of you except maybe mangey, have met the rest of my personalities that live in my head, and "we" like to go shopping) first ran into the woman who has no clue what birthcontrol is and her 6 children leaving Safeway. I nearly ran 3 of them over....Which I am sure she had 3 more for back up at home.....So it really wouldn't have mattered.

Once inside the store I became more annoyed at the sight of the people lined up at the deli counter......They are all standing there with smiles on their faces waiting for their deli meats......Ok why this bothered me I have no clue, but it pissed me off to see shiny happy people ordering deli food. So I maneuvered my cart far far away from the counter..........

I then ran into He Man Woman Hater and his obedient Wife on the bread isle. This type of guy always makes me angry (not to mention the others in my head!) He gave me a dirty look, and I returned it gladly to him.

Turning down the yogurt and cheese isle I run into "I"m The Only One In The Store Woman" who proceeds to use the whole isle for her cart....Why do you do this? Oh yeah, you are the only one in the store...Sorry, forgot for a second.......

Ice Cream Isle.....I'm safe for a minute......As I put my ice cream in the cart, I here "Look I am a Dad taking my son to the grocery store" guy who talks extremely loud to the kid in the basket. Uh, is he deaf? Why are you shouting.......?? Are you letting me know without having to turn around that you are talking to a kid in your basket? I don't care! So stop shouting!

Over to the milk and orange juice I run into the old lady who has been standing there for hours zoning out to the gazillion different kinds of Orange Juice....I try to get the orange juice, I even say excuse me, no response.....................Just aimlessly staring at the orange juice........Ok lady, what ever you are on, I think I may need some soon!

Dog food isle.....I need to pick up some bird seed for my bird feeder....Start to pick up birdseed, and wouldn't ya just know it, the fuckin bag rips and bird seed goes everywhere. Of course no one was on this isle until I rip the bag...................I get dirty looks from impatient woman and another old lady....Yeah, like I meant to rip the bag......fuckers.....So I try and clean it up by scooting the birdseed to one side, so old lady doesn't slip on birdseed and cracks tail bone....But after the look she is giving me, hmmf....Think I will just leave it.......

I am safe in the paper, card, and toothpaste isles......Maybe they know I need a break as my mood swing is now gone from caution to beating someone just because level.......

Then on the soda and chip isle I run into Mr. White trash, his wife crack ho, and grampa no teeth. They too like to have their cart right in the middle of the isle, however I think this is due to the fact that none of them know how to push it correctly. And grampa no teeth has to call out every thing they are putting in their cart, as well as what is going in my cart.....wtf?

After dealing with exploding chicken in the meat section (don't ask).....I make my way to the veggies just knowing what I will find....And yes, all of the above have gathered to send me over the edge in the veggie isle...................Mother Fuckers.............................. Just get out of my way!

As I am now at the check out, I realize I have gotten in the lane of "I am too High And Mighty For This Job" check out guy, who says nothing to me the whole time (which is nice in away so I don't have to "pretend" to have a witty conversation about everything I am buying) however it is kinda creepy at the same time.

And then the thing that really erks me, is after looking for my name on my check, he looks up, and says, " Thank you Mrs. Satan, do you need help out with your cart?"

Why would I need help out with my cart? You obviously could care a less about my whole exploding bird seed incident when I needed help then, or when the chicken also exploded at me...Or what about helping me maneuver around all these assholes that have come shopping today.....Where were you then????? Oh no, you just want to help me get the Fuck out of your store don't you? Well no fuckin Thanks......I can manage on my own.........

.....And I push my clickity clackity one bad wheel cart out on my own, out into the 100 plus degree heat...........Wondering why me and the voices in my head came out today....................