Saturday, July 30, 2005

Time To Take Matters Into My Own Hands.......

Went to check the mail today......as State Board said by today I would get my results....open mailbox and what do I see......my water bill, my garbage bill, my best buy bill, and my bill statement from Mac Cosmetics that I just ordered on line........nothing else......FUCK!


Wheels in my head start turning.....theres got to be another way to find out....hmmm, wonder if the state board website has a listing of licenses on line......hmmmmmm........go to website.....oh look, they do, click.........hmmm, input name of licensee....ok....click........oh would you look at that:

Vampyregirl
Esthetician
as of July 8, 2005


Mother Fuckers! All this waiting, and I fuckin Passed, and you wouldn't even tell me!!!

So, even though I still have no "official" fuckin piece o paper that has my mug shot on it with my license number, at least I know I can let people go to the website if they need to verify that I am for real.........

So congratulations to me, I am a licensed Esthetician!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Happy Birthday Mangey Cur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to you.....Happy Birthday dear Mangey Cur ....Happy Birthday to you!!!!! And Many More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought everyone should be able to celebrate Mangey's Birthday with some gifts! Here is a fab photo of when she was known as "Kat Klaw"........look at that hair, how white, so big! Lita Ford would be proud! Uh Huh, it is a Big Thang! Looking on the back of the photos, this was circa April 1987......you can just here the Glam Metal Tunes blaring during this photo shoot can't you.....whats that I hear, some Hanoi Rocks coming out of the Killer Chevet? Why yes, yes it is.......

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Don't Bother To Resist Or I'll Wax Ya!

Yesterday.....All my troubles seemed so far away........

Sorry couldn't help that....

Anyway, Yesterday, I took a class in Speed Waxing.....Yes, Speed Waxing.......

Is it anything like Speed Reading, Speed Racer, or just plain on Speed while Waxing....

Actually, it is the most painful fucking thing I have ever done.

We (the students of this class) had to come to class with 4 weeks worth of hair growth. So as you can imagine all of us wooly mammoths were eagerly wanting to get the excess body hair off....Until we started the coarse...Then it was like, fuck this, get me a razor NOW!!!!!

My friend and I were partners for this class...And I was the guinea pig who went first...Oh my fucking god! The pain of being speed waxed was so bad, I didn't realize at the time, but I was clenching my butt cheeks so bad that I was giving myself trapped gas! By the time lunch came along, I thought my stomach was going to explode! It was like when you have had Mexican food, some sort of carbonated beverage, and you are wearing control top panty hose....Where you just can't believe you have done this to yourself....Your stomach is like ready to explode with the alien baby inside of you.....This is how my stomach felt by the time we went to lunch....Hunger pains, trapped air, clenched buttocks....Not to mention how my poor legs looked like plucked chicken legs...All red and welty by the time it was over.....Just walking down the street with my pants touching my legs was sheer agony.

My friend didn't understand....She hadn't been my victim yet...That was after lunch.....Oh yes, and the torture was all MINE!!! muh hahahahahahahahha!!! She didn't think it was going to be so bad, she thought I was just being a wus. But as soon as I started ripping ( oh yes, I did have my Marilyn face.....If you remember from a few posts ago.....) she started howling! She started having to do lamaz breathing...Which I miss took for the sound of the Jason movies...You know, chee chee cha cha..... Which made my ripping away more psychotic!

We then had to do bikini line and under arm...FUCK! I kinda cheated however (yeah, that figures!) and had shaved the night before those areas, as I couldn't take the hairy beast anymore! However my poor friend didn't.....Well, she had lazored her bikini line awhile back, so no hair was there, however her underarm hair......Was mine for the taking!

So for all of you that are wondering what is Speed Waxing.....Well, it is where you put all the wax down at once at a pretty fast pace, then put down your wax strip, pull, put wax strip down, pull, put wax strip down, pull......You get the picture now yes??

Lets just say, by the end of the class, I was labeled per usual the trouble maker of the class with my freakish sayings and evil laughter as I ripped away at my friend's waxy areas! However, I still got my little Speed Waxing diploma at the end!

Ok, who's next???

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Pretty Hate Machine

I found out today if I want to stay on an even keel with my mood, I should just stay home. Nothing annoys me when I am home. But as soon as I leave the safety of my driveway.....All hell can break loose, and it usually does.

Where did I go today? To the grocery store. No real biggy there. But for me, my whole mood swings from normal to irate, just by pulling into the parking lot. Is it I just can't handle the fact that so many stupid people live in this world, and they all decide to go grocery shopping the moment I do.....Or is it that I am just easy to piss off. Who knows.

So who did I meet along my ass kicking escapade today? We( I realize I say we when in fact it is just me, however, none of you except maybe mangey, have met the rest of my personalities that live in my head, and "we" like to go shopping) first ran into the woman who has no clue what birthcontrol is and her 6 children leaving Safeway. I nearly ran 3 of them over....Which I am sure she had 3 more for back up at home.....So it really wouldn't have mattered.

Once inside the store I became more annoyed at the sight of the people lined up at the deli counter......They are all standing there with smiles on their faces waiting for their deli meats......Ok why this bothered me I have no clue, but it pissed me off to see shiny happy people ordering deli food. So I maneuvered my cart far far away from the counter..........

I then ran into He Man Woman Hater and his obedient Wife on the bread isle. This type of guy always makes me angry (not to mention the others in my head!) He gave me a dirty look, and I returned it gladly to him.

Turning down the yogurt and cheese isle I run into "I"m The Only One In The Store Woman" who proceeds to use the whole isle for her cart....Why do you do this? Oh yeah, you are the only one in the store...Sorry, forgot for a second.......

Ice Cream Isle.....I'm safe for a minute......As I put my ice cream in the cart, I here "Look I am a Dad taking my son to the grocery store" guy who talks extremely loud to the kid in the basket. Uh, is he deaf? Why are you shouting.......?? Are you letting me know without having to turn around that you are talking to a kid in your basket? I don't care! So stop shouting!

Over to the milk and orange juice I run into the old lady who has been standing there for hours zoning out to the gazillion different kinds of Orange Juice....I try to get the orange juice, I even say excuse me, no response.....................Just aimlessly staring at the orange juice........Ok lady, what ever you are on, I think I may need some soon!

Dog food isle.....I need to pick up some bird seed for my bird feeder....Start to pick up birdseed, and wouldn't ya just know it, the fuckin bag rips and bird seed goes everywhere. Of course no one was on this isle until I rip the bag...................I get dirty looks from impatient woman and another old lady....Yeah, like I meant to rip the bag......fuckers.....So I try and clean it up by scooting the birdseed to one side, so old lady doesn't slip on birdseed and cracks tail bone....But after the look she is giving me, hmmf....Think I will just leave it.......

I am safe in the paper, card, and toothpaste isles......Maybe they know I need a break as my mood swing is now gone from caution to beating someone just because level.......

Then on the soda and chip isle I run into Mr. White trash, his wife crack ho, and grampa no teeth. They too like to have their cart right in the middle of the isle, however I think this is due to the fact that none of them know how to push it correctly. And grampa no teeth has to call out every thing they are putting in their cart, as well as what is going in my cart.....wtf?

After dealing with exploding chicken in the meat section (don't ask).....I make my way to the veggies just knowing what I will find....And yes, all of the above have gathered to send me over the edge in the veggie isle...................Mother Fuckers.............................. Just get out of my way!

As I am now at the check out, I realize I have gotten in the lane of "I am too High And Mighty For This Job" check out guy, who says nothing to me the whole time (which is nice in away so I don't have to "pretend" to have a witty conversation about everything I am buying) however it is kinda creepy at the same time.

And then the thing that really erks me, is after looking for my name on my check, he looks up, and says, " Thank you Mrs. Satan, do you need help out with your cart?"

Why would I need help out with my cart? You obviously could care a less about my whole exploding bird seed incident when I needed help then, or when the chicken also exploded at me...Or what about helping me maneuver around all these assholes that have come shopping today.....Where were you then????? Oh no, you just want to help me get the Fuck out of your store don't you? Well no fuckin Thanks......I can manage on my own.........

.....And I push my clickity clackity one bad wheel cart out on my own, out into the 100 plus degree heat...........Wondering why me and the voices in my head came out today....................

Thursday, July 21, 2005

And They Call It Puppy Love........



So it turns out my youngest dog, Willow is in LOVE with this horse..........as you can see from the photo up above, she looks through the fence at it every morning on our walk....he then does come over and she then licks his face and wags her tail like crazy....the horse just lets her do it...he may also be in love with her.....or he just loves short brown dogs.....who knows...but every morning, this ritual takes place.....every morning.......

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Am I in The Right Place?

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

I just wrote this whole blog about my new obsessive compulsive disorder.....went to publish, and realized I just wrote it on MANGEY'S BLOG!!!!!!


Fuck! So as I am a RETARD, I couldn't figure out how to cut and paste it here......so I deleted the whole thing!


So now you will all have to guess what my obssession is....like any of you care.....but I do.....and now I will go and do that instead of trying to recreate my words of pure hilarity.....they will be forever vanished unless any of you were reading Mangeys blog for a mere 2 seconds before I got rid of it!

Help Mangey....I really think I am getting Dimentia! Whats my name again?

Monday, July 18, 2005

For The Love Of Shoes.....

Ok, so my shopping around town didn't fare to well....but that is to be expected as I live in a small town with zero good shops....so what am I left to do.........but go online of course to the Nordstrom yearly sale!!!! And oh yes, I bought some shoes!!

However, they weren't boots that I normally get, as maybe this 105 degree weather isn't making boot buying that much fun....instead I got these.......and these....... the first ones in grey/lavender, and the other ones in black...of course.....

Oh yeah, then after that, I went and bought some spa stuff on line too......did I buy makeup???? Hmmm, I think I did....or did I?? I just can't remember......


And I still need to get Mangey a pressie as next week is her birthday.....(July 29th) .....gee does that mean I need to go look for more things.......hmmm..........mangey do you need shoes???

Snoozin, On a Monday Afternoon

Ok, Mondays just aren't the same anymore.....I am no longer pissed off at the world having to talk to the evil boss on our conference calls.....

My day started by after seeing Satan off to work, going back to bed and sleeping....then taking the dogs on their walk.....drinking coffee on the back deck........and the most stressful thing so far....doing the laundry! So what is left on the agenda for the day:

going to the bank to deposit my bonus I got from my ex-job that arrived in the mail on Saturday.

going to buy some new shoes.........buying toothpaste for Satan, (who neglected to tell me he needed more when I went to Safeway on Saturday) and no, he doesn't use my toothpaste, as he hates the taste of regular toothpaste, so for Satan, I have to buy evil spawn bubble gum flavored toothpaste!

Yeah, the day looks rough.......think I may need to take a nap around 2, just to slow down this hectic pace I seem to be in!

Oh, and Jen, how are your legs today???

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I Brake For Blood Suckers....

So my days have become less stressful now that I don't have an evil one as a boss....so nothing as of late has made me pissed off except for cocksucking school, (who STILL have not sent in my paperwork...motherfuckers!)

So I have even started to make a list of books I need to start catching up on.....and wouldn't ya just know it one of my friends has now just given me a 642 page book called the Historian....it is supposed to be about the hunt for dracula.....however, the front cover has been taken off due to a camping incident....Which she would not speak of....(I'm thinking it got made into much needed t.p. while taking a shit in the woods as the book is that good you can't put down, so you just take a shit and read!) So there is no synopsis to go by for this book, just a hard bound black book with the words the historian on it....Ok, so of course I can't take anyone's advice and just read it, I had to go here and check it out!

So after seeing this, I now am going to pass on the rest of my books that are in desperate need of being read, (sorry Harry P, but vampires always stick together) and jump straight into this one! If it is as good as my friend says, I will be done with this one by Sunday! And then Harry, his friends and I can get reacquainted.........

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Happy Birthday Mum

Today would have been my mum's 70th birthday. I have been visited by her the last couple of nights in my dreams so I know she is about celebrating her day, although, I am sure she would not have believed she would be turning 70.....I can't even believe she would be 70.....that means my dad would have been 80....wow....time sure does fly......


So today I must go and get some real good ice cream, as this was mums' fave dessert, sit in my backyard amongst the flowers, as this was mums' fave place to hang out, and make sure to wear some red today, as this was mums' fave color.......I will probably choose the red lipstick, as I don't have any red in my wardrobe, as you can imagine!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! Here is my gift to you, one of your fave neil diamond songs, as I don't have the actual song, you will have to just sing in your head to the lyrics below:


Longfellow serenade
Written by: neil diamond

Longfellow serenade
Such were the plans I’d made
For she was a lady
And I was a dreamer
With only words to trade

You know that I was born for a night like this
Warmed by a stolen kiss
For I was lonely
And she was lonely

Ride, come on baby, ride
Let me make your dreams come true
I’ll sing my song
Let me sing my song
Let me make it warm for you

I’ll weave this web of rhyme
Upon this summer night
We’ll leave this worldly time
On his winged flight

Then come, and as we lay
Beside this sleepy glade
There I’ll sing to you
My longfellow serenade

Longfellow serenade
Such were the plans I made
But she was a lady
As deep as the river
And through the night, we stayed
And in my way,
I loved her as none before
Loved her with words and more

For she was lonely
And I was lonely

Ride, come on baby, ride
Let me make your dreams come true
I’ll sing my song

Let me sing my song
Let me make it warm for you

I’ll weave this web of rhyme
Upon this summer night
We’ll leave this worldly time
On his winged flight
Then come, and as we lay
Beside this sleepy glade

There I’ll sing to you
My longfellow serenade

Monday, July 11, 2005

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Where do I begin, to tell a story of how my life is really fucked????

So I took my state board test on Friday.

The written sucked ANUS! (this is the Bad) But I believe I answered at least 70% of the questions correctly which is passing!

The practical portion with Hil as my model was insane...however, I did pass this (the good) the woman who was the examiner for this portion probably worked at a state prison on her off days from the board........it wasn't pretty.........

Waiting to get results at the end of a hideously long and insane, intense, stressful day....my number is called, one of the first ones, thought this maybe a good sign...what something actually going for me for once.....(OH vampy, you only wish!!)....only to be told that my STUPID MOTHER FUCKER COCK SUCKING SCHOOL didn't get my paperwork saying I graduated to the state board in time for my test, so there fore, they cannot tell me if I passed the whole thing or not.....nor do I get my license,(the UGLY) nor do I get to pass go, but instead go straight to PURGATORY HELL!!!!! And wait 7-14 days for my results to show up in the mail, I will either get my license in the mail, or I will get a "Ha Ha you LOSER" letter in the mail stating I need to take my written test again..........and if I still don't receive my results after 14 days, to call them and my school......oh no, I will do one better, and go visit my school and kick some serious Cosmetologist ASS!! What The Fuck???? I have only been out of school with my diploma for over 2 FUCKING MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you say, I don't want to talk about this anymore until I get something in the mail.........MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Failure Is NOT an Option

Will not be able to blog here.....too busy cramming for my state board exam for tomorrow........I'll either be hysterically happy, or extremely pissed off........lets hope for the first one.......ok, back to the books I go........................

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Under the Milkyway Tonight..........

Satan and I will probably have a new summertime pastime....getting out the inflatable matress, pulling it out onto the deck, air it up, lay back and star gaze. It was AWESOME last night doing precisely that...

we first went out on the deck to watch the Craptacular fireworks display that the place across the highway puts on every year...and may I just say how truely CRAPtacular they were, didn't disappoint!! So after sitting in our chairs on the deck getting neck aches I said, ya know what would make this experience great, is if we had somewhere comfortable to lie down on....oh wait.....don't I have a blow up mattress that I lugged all the way to Mangeyfest 2004???? Why YESSSSS!!!

So needless to say it was great just watching all the stars and the satelites go by! I was hoping for a few alien sightings too, but they may have been blinded by the firework display that was going on...........

As we live out in the middle of nearly nowhere (Mangey you live in nowhere land!) there were a billion stars to see, if I wasn't sooo lazy I would have gotten out my dad's star gazing book and try and find everything he used to point out to me when I was just a wee lass......but there is always tonight for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!