Monday, July 12, 2004

The Surprise Party

This weekend we had a surprise party for Satan. Even though his birthday was two weeks ago, our friends (including Liz) thought it would be cool to have a surprise party for him. So the deal was to take Satan climbing while the party goers arrive, and Hil can get everything set up for the party. So Satan, Chris, and I go climbing and we are supposed to be back at the house for 2pm. No problem, yeah right. So after climbing, Satan wants to go to the English shop for English things (of course), so we go there and Chris suddenly feels sick, and I am taking it like he is "playing" sick so we can get back in time for the surprise.

Well, no, he has allergies which he has never had before, so he feels extra bad, anyway, so now after the English shop, Satan now wants to go to REI and Best Buy, ok its 1:45 we have 15 minutes to be back at this party, and we are 30 minutes away. And now Chris wants me to go to Albertsons so he can get some allergy medicine. So while he is in there at the store, I am thinking, ok, Chris is no help, he has no clue that we are supposed to be back now at his house, and I can't say anything in front of him, as Satan is in the back seat, so I decide to pick a fight with Satan.....And I say, you know, Chris isn't feeling well, we should really get him back to his house, we can always go to REI and Best Buy up buy our house. Satan:" Well, I wanted to get Chris a birthday present at REI" Me:" Well, I just gave him that Tshirt for his birthday, he has something from us, why do you need to get him something else, lets just go back to their house." Satan: evil, evil glare... Me:" ok, so we will go to REI up by us."

At this point, Satan has turned his back on me, (I am in the drivers seat, he is in the back seat and is now like a dog looking out the window with his back to me.) and I am thinking, ok I could really go off right now, but I am doing this for him, so just bite the old tongue and everything will be ok in a bit.

So Chris gets back in the car, and I say to him, well as you are not feeling well Chris, why don't we just go back to your house. (Wink Wink, Nudge, Nudge), and Chris says, "oh no I will be fine, we can go to Best Buy and REI"........WHAT THE FUCK?????????????????????? I am thinking ok, I just picked a fight with Satan, and you are not even playing along here (by the way it is now 2:05), whatever, so now we go over to best buy, and Satan won't get out of the car. He looks at me and says, I thought we were going to the one by us, fine,so I say, as we are driving by REI do you want me to pull in here (WTF we are late now anyway) and Satan says all grumbly, I just want some chalk.

So he goes in to get his chalk, and probably to get Chris another present, Chris and I stay in the car, and I am like what the fuck dude, we are supposed to be at your house right now, there is like a house load of people waiting back at your house for us, did you forget????? And he looks at me, OH, well I better call Hil, and let her know we will be there in 30 minutes.......

So Satan finally comes out with his climbing chalk, and we head back to the house. Satan is still pissed off, not speaking to me, and Chris is trying to do small talk, like that is going to make it any better. So now we are pulling up the street to the house, the windows are rolled up as the air conditioning is on, and suddenly Chris says, eewwwhh, that smells like diapers,,, and from the back seat this aroma of the worst smelling fart you can think of is now taking over the car. I am just at this point trying to park the car, however the smell of the fart is so mind numbing that all communication and functioning thoughts have left me. I am trying to roll the window down, but the smell of this fart is up my nose, in my eyes, in my mouth and I am about to start hacking, when I hear Chris and Satan, yell, Look out for Liz' car, don't you know how to drive???? At this point I am so over this surprise party that I start yelling,"Get Out, Get out, Both of you Get Out of My car!!!!!" And Chris then says, are you sure, we will wait for you??? GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So he and Satan High tail it out of my car and go into the house. I can hear shouts of Surprise as I finish parking the car. But the smell of the fart was so Toxic all I can do is slump over the wheel of my car with the vision I had of when I first smelled the thing,which was the evil grin on Satans face in the rearview mirror as the fumes of his mind numbing fart start to engulf the car.


Jennifer said...

ok, first of all, how many times are we reminded of how retarded men REALLY are!!?!?! ha hahaha ha

Second, poor honey, you had to smell that stinky stinky sick man!!! *hugs*

Third, reminder to all women, men are retarded!!!!!! :)

vampyregirl said...

yes, thank you for reminding me, I had retarded men with me on Saturday, but one in particular that couldn't remember that we had a surprise party to go too!! I feel better now, thanks Jen!!

Elizabeth said...

You hadn't mentioned the pouting, looking-out-the-back-window-like-a-dog Satan on Saturday! That is hilarious!!

OMG, this made me laugh out loud again!!

Chris is such a dumb-ass! No wonder he drives Hil crazy!

Jennifer said...

Ooooh! My bad.... wait! Men are not retarded!!!

They are dumbasses!! Thanks for reminding me Liz...

Ok, Liz, Trish, everyone... men are dumbasses
(hope no men read your blog? hehehehe)

vampyregirl said...

yes, the pouting out the window like a dog Satan was most amusing!! I did forget to tell you, I told you the fart had eaten into my brain, it was the worst thing I have smelled, I had to look in my back seat to make sure Satan's fart hadn't eaten through my seat, like the Alien's spit does on Aliens.. That is how disgusting it was!

Elizabeth said...

Does he burn holes in his underwear?

vampyregirl said...

you would think with the amount of fartage that goes on down there, but no, he doesn't!

Pisser said...

Damn...! I don't fart much, but it
looks like The Toxic Avenger ate
the crotch out of all my underwear!

What the hell is Satan eating?!

Uh-oh...I think that makes you his
girlfriend ;)

vampyregirl said...

Satan eats normal food, although he does eat more chocolate than the normal individual, so that could be it, and you would think with all the chocolate he eats he would be a 300 pound demon, but no he is a skinny one, how does that happen?